Difficult Topics About Safety in Relationships..but Silence Doesn't Cut It anymore!

I am @livfully on Twitter and follow a lot of folks like jo @JoNotGivingUp and Dr. Charlotte Proudman and Dr. Emma Katz and David Mandel (of @SafeAndTogether Institute for keeping victims of violence and children in custody disputes safe from harm if possible!) See the tweet at the bottom of the post and read the top of the post after that since I was commenting on things along the way...

 

So here is a topic that comes up from time to time...along the lines of 'Why Does She Stay?(in an abusive relationship, or stay married whether with children or not and many other related questions.) There are trainings and talks online to address those topics. I am hoping to get the grapevine growing on many levels and help every person feel more informed and empowered to make safer choices as they feel they can with support, not all alone.

 

I have worked with amazing people for decades in various capacities of wanting to learn things, needing to know more, know many who have been in court proceedings not of their own choosing but where 'losing' was not an option in terms of 'giving up'.

 

That may be in the case of an 'unwanted legal divorce' (even if separation within a home was mainly the mode and rearing children together was functional on most levels...and economic or practical reasons did not make living apart or sharing the home on a more set schedule practical.

 

Although if both people have work schedules that vary that can allow each person another way to have independence and private time in the home with their children...(and if reasonable with friends visiting even outdoors or at local parks, libraries, faith groups and events which can wide one's sense of community and lead to meaningful contacts. Even then some leaders in a faith group or other members of a faith group or spiritual view may say things are not working out because one was not or did not 'fully' trust in Jesus and surrender.

 

That can be it, not extra details. Another spiritual view would maybe say it's karma and things in a court could go either way because of that. Experts will spell out patterns of abuse of controlling people (generally wealthy white males who benefitted from the the slave trade and economy on some level over the generations and in society) mapping out the terms and loop holes to harm if not end the lives of victims whether in personal relationships and family or other parts of their lives and community. "It's all about what works for them, what they want and how they can get it." Others, including those in a system of law, police or social communities, are looked at as pawns.

 

Many in leadership and lay circles or school communities may know abuse victims who go to church weekly over many years and raised other children or help people. Some go often to a number of other Christian and educational gatherings.

 

Good sense from some longterm groups and rules is for people to not be alone with others who may be able to harm them..so that's most women should not be with men in cars, in their homes, at work alone or other places out where they could be in compromising situations (even walking down a street with other people may not be as safe and secure as one might think...)

 

Ideally if there is a way to map out a life to have more people and routines to get basic needs met and get support from other females if younger or even older and from other males if older males (but maybe side with older females helping younger males) to just not run into problems with tempers, mixed messaging, unsafe driving and lots of other basics of pushing limits for fun and so on.

 

Even teens should mainly expect to be driven by a parent and again in pairs or women driving girls around. That's an option and one that many groups would promote as sensible, especially if no has is consuming alcohol within 24 hours of driving but in general, a person who drinks should not drive others or even themselves if not necessary since 'buzzed driving' from anything can affect one and of course others on the road...

 

Now there are groups such as RAVE (I think) to help Religious organizations learn what they can share and say to help victims of abuse more effectively. It's never too late to update one's knowledge base and even to extend a 'theoretical apology' such as "If I or anyone in our group or area was not able to hear or care about what you wanted or needed to share to keep yourself or others including your children or people in your circles or those you care for safe, we regret that and are sorry.

 

We will show you and apology of action by sharing this concern with many in our circles from over the years so speedy progress can be made not only for healing but also for helping many in need at this time and in the future. Thank you for all you did and are willing to do now to help us on the next leg of our shared journey, walking side by side with others so that we may all evolve with greater love and with help from above." (Let's put That On a Poster and distribute through duluthmodel.org or com and also give that out for Trick or Treat...in a Treat Me Right series!)

 

If people want to add their own prayers and intentions, other apologies of action and support that would be fine and welcome as well. It's important if there are restraining orders or protective orders that abusers or those named as defendants are not contacting the victims of their abuse or alleged wrongdoing. Even if the orders are modified so contact is allowed is a person has put a 'criminal trespass or no trespass' order in place with the local law enforcement it would not allow for contact or interaction even through a third party or even a court mediator.

 

All of that needs to be ironed out case by case but again even if the police do not see eye to eye with the court or there are two levels of jurisdiction (or ajudication...) going on, it is up to each person to watch their every move and interaction. A friend or common contact could also be violating a 'no trespass' order if reaching out or mentioning the defendant so less interaction there is likely the safest bet.

 

There are other points explored in recent posts but basically living as though we are on a military police state is not a bad idea to understand as a possibility and a growing concern on many levels...even if in the name of safety, the systems do not always work as planned and there is a lot of room for 'gray areas, he said-she said, both parties being arrested or held accountable for what is done or alleged...even if there are concerns about perjury it does not seem to be applied methodically even in case of alleged or real rape.

 

That should trigger a specialized team to investigate for the safety of everyone...including a person who violates others if they do not know or understand what they are doing is 'against the law.' One clue that they Might realize they are committing a crime is saying "Just let me do this..." (and then taking an action that the victim does not have time to know or even realize what 'this' is..) or a variation on that such as "Come on, be a sport."

 

Or "Please can I do this..or please let me do this..." Or "I promise I'll never hurt you" (physically harm you intentionally...so anything I do is not intentional and if it scares you or bothers you, that was not included in the coverage of what would not be done in terms of hurting you') And if they do that once and apologize, do not think they will Not do that again.

 

They basically will since that is their pattern. Mapping out the 'who, what, where, when, how and almost forget about why but it's important to realize there can be many variations on a theme and overall it's all about one person breaking another person's boundaries. Maybe that is how they grew up and are pulling a role reversal, showing you what they don't recall or don't fully realize they are doing, but it's a form of bullying and not likely to improve or stop without a major wake up call.'

 

As for victims, the brainwashing of being a partner, a parent, a caring forgiving person and much more can keep one in the difficult and dangerous dance that has many labels and real-life consequences... so very important to get a lot of help sooner rather than later and hear from wise counselors to get inside the head games, the love drug kind of ups and downs, the fairy tale messaging that is downright dangerous if it's about one person being saved by another or put in hopeless helpless situations only a miracle can get the person out of.

 

The inner hero, the willingness to learn from others and have accountability team players is key and another area of 'hit or miss' no matter how much family, how many friends or nice resources are there. What one can manage if caring for others (kids but also elders or pets or people or homes that need attention due to one's work or social ties) an leave a person with little time to think of or for themselves and their own well-being short term and longer term.

 

Thanks for thinking on all of this with me and I hope it's helpful to pretty much everyone to cut the crap as some say with the waste of human effort and find ways to get everyone back on track or on track for the first time with better safety options and follow through even if that may look or mean some time alone, time apart and new routines to get safer and healthier across the board a little at a time or one day to the next...

 

Some also go to many kinds of support groups and learn from Native people with their teachings that women can and should support each other and the men and such likewise be in a circle of care and accountability.

 

But many victims are trapped and 'dead in the water' before they can venture to have more hope about things than what they were taught. The abusive people from many parts of their life are often 'blaming and shaming' victims for making a stink about how they are being abused or not served by systems that are supposed to protect them.

 

In the last forty years domestic abuse has been discussed in the news but mainly only with graphic headlines of someone being killed (a wife done in by her husband who often may end his own life after killing others as well, such as his children or others near them by chance or intent. So that is showing he thinks he can control the people in his life by ending their life. He is likely not believing in an after life of accountability or of a greater energetic realm where that would map out he was mainly only hurting himself and wasting a great gift.)

 

Most people are not allowed to think about the possibilities for energetic interactions during life or particularly anything that may happen after the brain or heart stops functioning. But there is a growing body of evidence that we are all much more than meets the eye. We have all been mainly limited by the social messages and educational system that discounts or disallows discussion beyond a quick glimpse at Greek Myths and maybe the mention of Jewish people coming from the Middle East then being given the land that is called Israel that was Palestine in 1948, in part due to the holocaust that took the lives of 6 million Jewish people and many others ordered to death camps.

 

There is a great deal we should all be pondering and caring about rather than just learning for the sake of knowing one part of history and then being compelled to keep moving along as though all of that is only in the past and does not pertain to our modern times. The laws we have grew out of the Greco-Roman culture of government but also from the Native people's tradition of councils in the long house and talking things through and coming to agreements or making decisions.

 

The realm of having judges help determine outcomes of conflicts come from the traditions of Kings and Judges in the Biblical times and again with the religious influences that came from Europe to the US. What we had set up in our constitution was addressing the needs of a new nation, thirteen colonies that became states and now is supposed to 'hold up' for over 300 million people in the United States, many of who are undocumented and others who are aging or needing care in ways that we have not prepared for on economic or practical levels.

 

Suddenly many people will be feeling ousted or abused through no fault of their own and due to lack of planning. Many may feel "The No Plan Plan is the Plan!" There will be few places for people to run and hide or have shelter when their needs require someone to look out for their assets, property, care and more. Most will 'land in a nursing home' but those resources may be dwindling up since the cost of building and maintaining them is only going up and the workforce and funds are mainly going down.

 

People getting care in their homes on a one to one basis may be needing more back ups over time and again the rules could change that a support person has to provide more in the way of housing (for free or a set amount) and other factors that people never saw coming. If people in need of care lash out physically or call for emergency services such as police to fire a worker for no reason or complain, there may need to be more resources made available to them to not overtax the system.

 

Ideally the medical and mental health programs would step up screenings and have an intervention service (even on the phone or online ) to follow up and put more parameters in place to now require police to be on site and to ideally have a person taken to a medical facility where they could be checked for concerns such as a UTI, urinary tract infection, high or low blood sugar or sodium levels and other metabolic concerns (such as liver function, dehydration and so forth.)

 

Any sudden loss or change can also bring on concerns as can drugs and alcohol (even prescription meds for thyroid or other basic support may need modifying) but mental health patterns of distrust, paranoia, stealing or accusing people of things, sundowning (shifting in mood based on time of the day, lack of sleep or activity) can all be cause for concern.

 

Agitation may also be linked to someone pacing or wandering from their home or a certain yard or location they may normally be in but without fencing and locked gates they may get lost or come to some foul play or mishap and not be found possibly.

 

Those risks for a person of any age and condition (of not being mobile or a risk to wander even if that is not normally a problem but they are mentally unstable or have dementia) should be considered in their care plan by medical and social advocates as well as family and care team members. That would be helpful to clarify for those in decision making areas such as Power of Attorney or other healthcare representatives to 'be on the look out' and not take things at face value if their client or friend is insisting someone be fired, money be given or paid to someone without review and so on. Legal actions or fall risks can all be reasons to have someone monitored in a care facility for one or more days or even longer depending on the situation. Some insurance may cover things but not necessarily.

 

That may also be the case for a suicide attempt when someone may be held but insurance may not cover it. Drug rehabilitation and other programs vary widely so it is important to get what is covered in writing and to be careful of what one is signing to agree with terms.

 

Even before working for someone, all the paperwork and training should be done 'up front' with more awareness of the pros and cons of earning money or spending the money on care, with a sense of who will be withholding taxes and so forth.

 

There are professionals to work with and to see reputable sites such as CTSeniorLaw.com early on in life and to keep up with the changes and options with helpful updates and workshops online. Checking with a few resources can help one learn the variations and yet it's helpful to have some things written down in a notebook to keep track of information and follow up with getting some things recorded even if changes will be made or reviewed yearly or so.

 

I just went to a lovely meaningful gathering in Great Barrington MA with over a hundred people, maybe more like two hundred, arranged by AllianceForAViableFuture.org to make an effort to learn and connect with the natives of this area and in general see the history our USA and other 'dominant, first world' countries have been responsible for over the past many centuries. There has been a crime wave called Colonization and came with an idea of 'might makes right' and plenty of Christian ideas and justifications for taking over people, their land and ways of life.

 

It was illegal for Natives to pray and have their ceremonies as recently as the 1970s. I was in grade school and being taught there's only one true church...and I heard that from three different groups and plenty more. Overall our understanding of religion and politics has been growing with more media about 'what goes on behind the scenes.'

 

Having people put through the paces of being told they cannot or should not think too hard or ask too much for personal problems in any serious way has promoted the ever-growing Code of Silence. Mainly people who live in fear and distrust are prone to abide, but even more activist types stop when it comes to someone in their circle making waves or asking questions..about 'personal issues' such as mistreatment by one or more people in their lives, in their families or work places. The aggressor in a home or work setting really does have more power and control over all facets of a system many advocates are mapping out. See what Joan Meier shares in a study over a ten year period about how abusive males got custody 80% of the time in contentious disputes over their children. Some fathers may insist a woman do all the parenting (nursing, homebirths, healthy food may be factored in as rules as much as any less healthy patterns some may have and it can be a mix...the bottom line is Whatever He Says Goes and She Does Not have a meaningful say in most things...it's all up in the air even over years.)

 

So who wouldn't be confused by the dynamics and not be clear about 'how to proceed'. If the counselors available are not allowed or informed about what really plays out they can feel helpless as well and are rooting from the sidelines. If the children are left in a mix of conflict or present with concerns, others may advocate for them to be removed from the home, away from both parents, not just the abuser.

 

There are international human rights laws however that recommend children be with their protective parent for the duration of any transition during a time of climate or political upset. We need to get the Big Picture clear and then map out the details since people can lose access to their children 'one minute to the next'.

 

Maybe some people are warned or see something coming, but others may be clueless and left with little or no support legally and socially, and that can often be linked to other challenges economically with having safe housing, enough food, work or support. So there is plenty for everyone to learn more about and try to understand one person's journey as well as that of another.

 

Some things cross all borders and divides, so in a strange way that awakens a sense of the human condition and that we are all more similar than not, all deserve some basic respect and freedom.

 

Those can be luxury line items and ideas for most victims of abuse whether in a family, school, work or other setting. Let's try to find ways to spell things out and create flow charts to help live more compassionately and practically with ways to make sense of things and get to a safer happier kind of living for the one and many in our circles.