Drying the Tears (from the prior post) and Thinking of How Far the US of A-Miracle Has Come Over the Years...and yet how far still to go, We Can and Must Do This!!

Hearing more from friends in Florida (including the ubiquitous advocate Erin Brochovich) that there is toxic algae killing off a lot of wild sea life but that there is little to no intervention or proactive education for Floridians (who News Flash: May go the way of the fish either due to oceans rising or toxicity coming their way if underground sources of water are polluted and more...)

 What we basically need and deserve are a coordinated set of skilled, ethical leaders not pining away for a few minutes at a political table, but an overhaul of our entire system with an eye toward wisdom, kindness, health, talent and friendship to bring everybuddy on board to the new era which has arrived.

If people could "LOOK UP!" and not be stuck in the mire of the past thinking of what seemed 'incomprehensible' (and likely that they couldn't really understood in the midst of it) but now with education and new insights can make sense of the journey, then we can use Those Skill Sets to Set a New Agenda for Safety, Respect and Promoting Voluntary Guidelines for Living As Competent, Connected Individuals.

 IF someone is in a relationship of an intimate nature s/he still has their full Bill of Rights privilege (to vote, to voice opinions, to own property and bear arms if that's their real desire...though ideally the latter would come only after a Voluntary but Strongly Recommended online education and some in-person consults.) Someone may truly believe they are 'fine, just fine' but may be breaking the law or not understanding a situation.

 For example, if a man has been arrested and had a restraining order in place and his wife of many years who has custody of them does not want him to have more contact with the children other than supervised visitation (which would be the general recommendation for all protective mothers and is necessary due to the terms of a restraining order.

 Even supervised time would likely not be the safest course of action for the children or the victim and not even the perpetrator since if he 'messes up' the penalties can be quite serious. For someone like him to relentlessly seek 'reunification with his wife and children' is not a romantic notion as much as it is a dangerous one.

 S/he (the perpetrator or even one separated unfairly from one's family or partner or group) can write (on paper or online, though be careful of paper trails and public sharing if that puts one at risk), call or leave personal voice mails (but again realize the implications for use against one so maybe on a personal tape recorder), stories , journaling of thoughts, letters that may not be mailed or given, gifts which also may have to wait etc to not break terms of an order. Also finding others to be 'surrogate family or friends' can help and value making meaningful efforts to heal with groups and such that can actually help someone.

Careful of what one shares in a group of any kind however since they may need to legally reveal what is shared as may a counselor if one is indicating harming one's kids, oneself or another person or acting severely disturbed or depressed. Some states such as CT can hold a person for a day or so against their will to have an assessment if there is concern the person could be a danger to themselves or others, a fairly recent option.

 For him to 'just want her to drop the charges' (in a state such as CT which does not allow for that since it is the State against the perpetrator) that shows he (in this example) is not willing or is perhaps not able to 'appreciate in a big way that he has a family and that they are safer for the next year or two without interacting with him until he can comprehend his violations and takes serious steps to gain new skills and insight into his behavior.' 

Shining the light on what he needs to do and not muddying the waters with what she and the children need to do to appease his demands or 'take some of the blame' (even if she weren't the best housekeeper or did not feed the children the healthiest foods or somehow provide the kind of modern day mothering experiences in  the opinion of others... which is often how bystanders 'allow for abuse or distancing' rather than help her find ways to cope and ideally find alternative housing and places to visit until such time as she can leave safely and appropriately With The Children. 

For bystanders to consider that 'housing is more important than the connection with the protective parent' is another area for serious consideration. About half of the homeless population are women and children who have left for their safety. Ideally every community could find places 'in or close to their town and provide ways for the children to attend their school if desired even if living in a homeless or protective shelter. 

That is the case I believe in the northwest corner of CT, but there are no shelters closer than Torrington CT or Millerton NY...There Could be many options in terms of someone sharing their home but that is hardly mentioned and many times victims are too afraid or overwhelmed to ask and most homeowners would not want to offer or take on any burden or risk. When programs such as HoUSing US from The Berkshire Taconic Foundation arise, such as to allow elderly to put in an apartment to stay in their homes, many efforts and funds come together. A Similar Outreach should be done for victims of abuse.

 That's where people have to work within their existing networks, but also could perhaps have more support from a wider community. Why not think through the tough questions as What IF theories...and see how creative and generous one or more groups, faith or civic  outreaches could get. Likely more people would chime in with examples of what has worked, what would benefit other aspects of the community and ways to coach and safeguard women and children early on with a friendly outreach. 

Even places like faith groups and libraries, schools and recreation programs could be part of the solution with many programs welcoming families with young children, even infants please or pregnant moms and expectant dads...and relatives and friends to know "We are hear for you and understand more than you may be able to convey in words or requests...let us think this through with you over time, every day with a FB page, phone calls, FB live chats and more.Special measures such as an alias and privacy would be important, and safe places to use a computer and so on that would not be traced. 

Once everyone appreciates that someone playing the role of a bully (often even if s/he feels like a victim defending himself or herself even when terrorizing or demoralizing others) then more solutions to 'talk people down from the edge of difficulty and danger if not worse. ' Thanks for hanging in there for these highly challenging matters and trying to see the Big Picture of how exhausting the downward spirals of abuse can be on larger segments of a family, group of friends and town when there's a wild card mindset running rampant. Even after terrible loss, often there is No Community Response. 

That has been the case in 175 cases where a dangerous Dad did in one or more of his kids. Each judge and community thought it was a 'rogue example' and had nothing to say about it. That is described in the CPPA July newsletter..

.So let's no the case for any tragedy, the loss of life of women, children, even abusive men or responders caught in the mix or other bystanders. The same goes for the loss of wild life and the environment on which all life depends. We have to see our way through the storms of life. Some say we may have 'signed up for our life experiences' and have choices along the way to see how our spirits, individually and collectively, can respond. 

Some say their are beings beyond our realm watching us and influencing us..but again seeing what Choices and Voices we make use of to help us evolve with love... all the best to us on that note with lotsa of gratitude for the effort toward that end we each make. With forgiveness--asking for it and giving it there does not need to be complete forgetting.. but recognizing the sincere effort for people to change their ways and give themselves and others a new chance at finding peace and courage to carry on and trusting we are all learning from the overall experiences. If life were but a dream, what might the people and experiences mean?

 Let's brave acknowledging our deepest feelings, our mixed emotions even, our interpretation of events and motives and options..and pave the way for more clarity to be shared online in writing and maybe in videos (since many do not care to read or don't know how to in the same language a message is shared.) 

Thanks for sharing highlights of this as you can and on social media to help spread the words to put down swords of fear, ignorance, despair and pain, anger and danger and lack of forgiveness which can block healing on many levels..even if it can't bring people back into relationships or back to life... the spirit likely can tune in and appreciate the efforts and maybe provide healing responses. 

PS While Anita Hill is speaking up still a couple of decades later and using strong language such as 'if you know about situations and do nothing you may (or are) complicit or are part of the problem.' I explore on other posts about the unenviable position of 'knowing about conditions or specific situations and not having a clear way to reach out and support victims--whether they stay or go, by "choice" given the odds of becoming worse off economically or socially or even physically less safe. There may be threats about what the perpetrator would do if the victim or the children left or were taken away. Many injuries and mortalites occur during or after separations.

Likely all victims need safe, secret houses, not just living with family. Sadly a CT case of Kyra Ring which I wrote about ended with her fatality as she was staying with her mother. Even if abuse happens over generations in a family and more learn of it, the silencing, shame, fear and repercussions can seem like too much of a game-changer for many of the bystanders and possibly the victim to have to face.

The laws and courts do not need to be involved in every case, if a victim (or victims which is often the case) can get safe and heal. Reasonable precautions should be taken even over many years to not have the perpetrator alone with any other vulnerable or potential person or victim, including pets depending on the kind of violence or transgressions.

Even property or other valuables should be protected from a perpetrator's risk to use 'intimidating violence', such as damaging property (even homes and cars, artwork or keepsakes such as photos or special heirlooms.) Sadly some victims who have secured their homes and may have reached fairly amicable plans can still be victims of supposed 'accidental fires of their homes or other property, if not harm to their children and themselves.' It's a 'real no man's land', so the idea that every crime needs to be reported and prosecuted is perhaps asking for too much and may have more negative if not harmful or lethal repercussions.

The backlog of 'rape kits' in New York and likely other states is quite extensive and such crimes can be difficult and almost impossible to prove, so again prevention is key for first and subsequent offenses. If a victim defends herself (the typical scenario if not a youth) and the male is injured or killed the terms can still be lengthy.

Many situations such as needing a ride, having plans change, staying overnight as someone's home and so on need careful consideration no matter a person's age and gender, but particularly if young and female, alone or even with a friend. Knowing people, such as male friends and getting a ride, can turn sour for a trusting female. Same goes with any kind of drinking and partying. Alcohol is a common 'rape drug' so needs to be monitored if not avoided until one is of legal age and in appropirate supervised settings without needing to drive.

The overall point is we need 'common clear guidelines and game plans' which now are more 'hit and miss.' If domestic abuse advocates cannot inform victims of likely 'downward spirals' when enlisting police or moreover custody courts, then the victims can feel abused by the system she's hoping will help. It's a mixed bag of tricks. Hopefully more people will give this serious attention to close the gaps and protect one and all.