Remembering Tom Drew 15 Years Later...2014 CT Magazine Article on Tom Drew Case--and my comments, a handful of many on various sites

Many wish we could turn back time and take better precautions to prevent such a turn of events. Sincere apologies from myself and any others who feel there could have been better community and family interventions done to monitor Tom's care and condition are heartfelt.

More could be done even now to review all materials and make a comprehensive website to discuss factors of the situation as well as improvements in anyone's care plan for themselves and others now and as they age or may face challenges requiring a Team of Oversight, not just family.

Still,  I extend as I have always, sincere apologies that his disappearance occurred during my time of supervising and caring for him. I immediately expressed regret that he wondered during a normal time of caregiving (well within their requests and what was usually fine in terms of allowing him to go outdoors for a little while which was no more than 10 minutes) to his family and friends. In addition, my care and hope to better address the situation and prevent other types of oversight of care needs with many others who were (and are) concerned (which means a large portion of the tri-corner MA/NY CT area where his "Have You Seen This Man? missing  person photo was widely posted of Tom Drew).

 Ideally a thorough website could be set up to review all the material available about that evening to allay the  concerns many may have based on various news stories which cast doubt on my rendering of the facts of that night.

 Allegations and a discussion about how to prevent such unusual (yet too common) problems for vulnerable people (and their caregivers and communities) could prove highly valuable. Even the idea to have a team of caregivers and decision makers beyond one's primary designated health proxy ( for instance more than one's spouse or one adult child, etc) could prove a valuable baseline measure.

Ideally, regular mental  health and capability screenings could be done voluntarily in communities so people could have some objective data and again a group of supportive people to help chart a  course of care, even for themselves whether a need arose due to injury, difficult physical, social, or practical living changes (divorce, moving, being new in an area, becoming forgetful or emotional after a loss or change, finding services in a timely manner and managing ADLs--activities of daily living which can include driving or getting to work, school, faith or other groups with reliable rides or a buddy system, etc.)

Tom that Saturday as well as many weekend days and about a dozen nights over the fall, winter and spring before his disappearance from his remote country home surrounded by woods yet with some paths and a long dirt uphill drive leading to a busy road on the border of MA/NY CT in Salisbury CT. 

I have just learned about this article from an email account I had not used often. I have made many efforts to communicate with anyone who would like to discuss this case and feel there should be a special site set up to keep 'fact from fiction' in terms of what I said on the record. I had not heard there was concern about where I was the following day.

I think I actually went to a Community Day at Camp Friedman in Falls Village (this is 7 yrs later but I recall thinking maybe that was a way to honor Tom since that is the kind of thing I took him too and he really enjoyed th mose times more than I realized he would have).

I think I need to try to write a book about all of this, and would encourage Allison to do the same and any Missing Persons Unit to do likewise and see what we can all glean from such a situation.

That is what I had hoped would happen in some way just to do our collective best at comprehending all of this and what it means for any of us now an as we age, move or face changes in health or care needs.

From England to New England a strange sad situation has moved many hearts and minds. Sharing like this is a kind of healing and really may be a tribute to Tom not only because he was a special person all of his life but even in an 'unexplained' quick turn of events awakened a possibility almost any of us could face in terms of life-changing events.

At the crux of the matter is the role Tom's mental condition factored into him going missing. Allison says it's got almost nothing to do with it, and I and most people who have learned about dementia or a compromised person, realize that is exactly what led to his leaving the home.

There is a small window of chance that if someone found him (had he made it to the road where someone seemed to spot him) foul play could have occurred there. Those chances are much greater than me not knowing what I have shared in terms of him leaving the home.

I would hope most people could take great comfort in knowing that my family is very large and have lived here for many decades, as had my husband's family. We've continued to live here even after a difficult divorce in 2009, the day before our son Kaelan died trying to save a friend (who was rescued) and moments after Kaelan had rescued two other friends from the river's edge.

Some reporters have told me they misprinted that the police may have said I "changed my story' even without having interviewed me. Brigitte Ruthman, the www.rep-am.com reporter who wrote that discrepancy, apologized and said she would correct it in a following article. I don't know if she did. Many people have shared their concerns with me about Tom's 'unexplained disappearance'.

I believe I am the one person who has felt the shock and disbelief the most since I was caring for him and after he left the home, with a small window of 10 minutes or so, could not find him. This message needs to be heard by Everyone in our Country who is responsible for anyone else (and even themselves in terms of 'how quickly something Could Go Wrong or Unexpectedly if there's a chance it could'.

I am thinking of a recent case where a woman froze to death going back to her home only a short distance from a neighbor's. Anyone with mobility issues should have care 24-7 for the most part. Many people in wheelchairs are left alone for long periods of time. Unless they could really get out of the their homes safely, why wouldn't there be 'someone within earshot or at least next door' who could come quickly?

Even when people have home care if required by their medical 'home release' plan, some may not take measures to allow their caregiver to check on them. A person with a fall risk could be hurt with a head injury or other difficulty and to be checked on if the person insists on privacy for the most part or only wants a person to 'come when they are called'.

A child can sneak out of a house or out of view even if they normally do not do so.

That would mean indoor locks (up high if they are good at opening them) should be used and children should only play in a fenced in area if left alone at all (not recommended, but allowed and common in the countryside).

Given choking hazards or any other kinds of risk of injury, children should be within sight if not within reach particularly if climbing on high things or prone to running near a road, etc. We all know about car seat safety but again, consistent use is key.

The list for good care goes on and on, and I happen to promote safety with speech, self-care, and many other helpful ideas because I've noticed over many decades that there is a lack of continuity and sharing of helpful ideas.

The whole situation concerning the Drew family needs more support to address not only to help people understand what Did Happen that day in terms of his leaving the home.

Many people in the service of caring for others are working for many people or travelling from one town to the next. I have been a caregiver all of my life, with many childcare jobs as a youth, with long-term commitments to wonderful families whose children have done very well in life.

I consider all of them, many relatives and close friends, as important people in my life even a few decades later and keep in touch. The whole northwest corner of CT has been an integral part of my life and choice to rear my own children.

Most people know I have cared for my own four children extensively in their first decade of life, homeschooling them until they were 5 to 8 years of age. I am a huge advocate for better practices among all parents, teachers and programs to prevent problems such as behavioral, social and educational issues.

I have called legislators to place children in 1st grade closer to age 6 or 7 so they could succeed in handling the challenges of learning and living well with sports, music and extra programs. That was my approach and while our children did very well, our teen son Kaelan Paton passed away when trying to save a friend from a dangerous waterfall area in June 2009.

I would ask all women to think carefully about the things I am sharing. With all due respect, men and youth are also invited to do so, but I feel there is a tremendous gap in the 'people care' that men and women give, that we communicate in significantly different ways and really are trying to monitor and assist our communities in significantly different ways.

The providers, typically a father or man in a family, if generally concerned with 'their own business'. Mothers and to some extent women in general, tend to care about the children in their community and about people in general with attention to whether people are living in a safe, sensible manner.

I had asked many people to try to address concerns I had about Tom Drew's home life and care by one person. I felt they needed more oversight, support and interaction with the community since the one main caregiver was leaving Tom alone at least one night a week and for a few hours during the week to shop and run errands. I had taken a CNA training and was more aware that there were standards for care which did not seem to be followed. I did not want to insult the family or seem to be antagonistic.

That is still something I maintain. I care about the Drew sisters and have come to realize they may have an 'authentic difference of opinion' and likely a misunderstanding about dementia and even their own father's level of functioning. I believe a considerate intervention should be done to assure them that denial is a common aspect among family and friends in assessing or accepting the terms and implications of a condition such as mental and physical decline or other kind of difficult situation.

I appreciate their steadfast concern about their father. I had asked the police that night more than once to come see that my trunk did not open (and was actually very full of stuff--papers, books and clothes). I went a few days later and had a friend Liz Bern who was a rescue dog worker doing extra searches see that my trunk did not open with my key. Later North East Muffler fixed it for me by climbing through the back seat.

The police checked all of that out,and emptied my trunk twice much later (it sat in my yard for over a year before I sold it to a junk yard, it was a Buick Century and now I would have kept it knowing people likely would have wanted to see it for themselves..maybe the paperwork from the Muffler Shop can be put online..), and sprayed it I think to check for human cells, etc.

There is likely much more we could discuss, and yes, I tend to put down an array of ideas as I write this without editing and such. I feel sometimes important themes emerge for all of us and have a blog where I post more ideas along these lines.

Sadly, on July 23rd, 2007, the Petit Family case happened which resulted in a home invasion and loss of the three Petit family female members who were assaulted and died in their house fire set by two men with records (one of whom was seeking custody of his own young daughter.)

The Petit Family Foundation has raised millions to address violence. Maybe they could include outreach for those having 'sudden loss' and promote caring committees to review all that can be done.

No investigation into our son's passing was done in terms of identifying the names of all of the youth (who were minors), what led them to go to the Falls, the names of all the parents and adults who gave them permission to go, the parents who did not allow their youth to go (and some of these had made important calls to encourage others not to go with some success but not all parents in agreement).

At least one parent 'did not wan their son to feel left out'. The high school that had released the boys for the summer did not have a policy regarding needing parental permission to have alternative ways to leave the school such as leaving on a bike or with a different person driving them.

This likely would have been an excellent measure and could be advocated or done voluntarily. The gaps in care could be explored and remedied in every school district as voluntary recommendations. These likely seem like 'too much work and paperwork' but a good website with links to scouting guidelines or other programs could make it easier.

When parents are having a childcare or custody issue or conflict, more people could voluntarily assist in a crafting a clear plan and following it with team support.

During divorce or court proceedings, extra care for youth should be a priority, with clear plans in advance for who is with each youth. While this covers a lot of territory, the millions of dollars and efforts that go into trying to find someone, retrieve someone from danger or recover a body (such as my son's which was found 7 miles downriver a week later, the day that Michael Jackson died), could perhaps encourage us all to do more to PREVENT harm and loss, injury, someone going missing, difficulty in divorce and custody as well as after legal divorces and custody matters to keep people safe and make sure parental contact is being followed (which again is huge problem in our country).

Thanks for considering these issues even as they are shared in a rather eclectic manner. Every day we are given is a day to wake up to what needs doing and even ways to mend the hurts of the past, May we each find the support we need and may my apology, which I shared with Allison initially that I wish I had watched his every move and been able to prevent such a turn of events be heard and given due consideration for all in terms of planning for better self-care and that of others.

Together we can face the challenge of looking at our vulnerability, even our mortality issues (having the right kind of team for health care representative we Choose and Plan for in Writing and leave with our doctor, family and a friend and that is not only based on family but includes oversight from medical and social work efforts), the laws and such that are in place in every state and the responses we could have to do a little better at reviewing many factors that contribute to living in safe, social and reasonable ways given our location and resources