Thursday,Sept 13th, 2018:Today's Voting Day in New York, and Always Vote For Yourself to Stay in the Game of Life!

With supportive wishes for safety and weathering the storm Florence along the East Coast, let's Get Out To Vote in New York.

I am headed to the polls for Cynthia Nixon  for Governor  and Jumaane for Lt Gov. and then Democrats in the primary today.

As long as we are thinking about the greater impact we all have in making choices and using our voices, let's encourage one another to be safe and respectful and live with our Thinking KAPP--Kids, Adults, Parents PLANS--People Living and Learning and Loving with Agreements and Networking through Schools, Sharing, Socializing and Society (including Laws such as House Resolution 72 in the US Congress which gives custody of children to alleged victims of abuse, whether proven or not.)

More states, such as CT are responding to 9-1-1 calls to see who is the primary aggressor in a domestic violence dispute rather than usually arresting both parties.

These fine-tuned strategies, similar to efforts by Safe and Together Institute to educate and intervene when needed with an aggressive parents 'parenting choices' are helping more people feel there is a meaningful way to learn and get involved with larger issues or even address personal needs more effectively. Often victims 'act in' and may self-medicate to dull feelings if not physical injuries.

Aggressors may also use drugs to self-medicate to address mental health issues and cover up the tracks of their actions (blaming the drinking, drugging, stress, victim or anyone else beside themselves for their Choice to Abuse Others verbally, emotionally, psychologically, on social media, with intimidation and implied threats or violence, bullying and slander if not more physically aggressive actions toward others or their property.)

Name-calling, put-downs, shaming and blaming are the basic strategies employed whether knowingly or 'naturally or instinctively', sometimes earnestly pegging the victim as the cause or reason for the abuse, and yelling or identifying them as "Making Them Feel the Way They Feel" whether disgust, anger, hurt, retaliatory or otherwise.

Until someone learns a lot about emotions (energy in motion is one definition for the illusive thing of having feelings and thoughts whether awake and sober, under the influence, being too hungry, tired, lonely or angry--someone not agreeing with one's point of view, holding different beliefs or values, being different whether gender (often a big point), race (another biggy), age (ditto the biggy again), or having habits of talking, walking, sitting, standing, sleeping,waking up, studying or not, working or not, eating or not, etc that are not in sync with what someone with more power and control in a relationship or setting feels is appropriate.

For the record, if someone is not happy or disagrees with what another person is doing as long as it isn't hurting someone or something (property can be protected and anything thrown can be deemed a projectile missile as a weapon or be intimidating violence so may reasonably create fear in someone whose around or learns of the actions.

Those can be grounds for having someone get a 'wellness and safety check' from police or in some states such as CT go in for a day of observation even against their will.

I need to brush up on those latest developments, but the point is everyone needs to be able to learn to control themselves. One can Walk Away or Disengage with a person one finds irritating or threatening (quite a spectrum but for an abuser-victim the distancing will help both parties gain some stability whether for a brief time out of minutes to hours or even a day or more if possible.)

When leaving one's home however, always take important papers (or have them safely stored with a trusted family member or friend, at least copies if not originals.) In addition, ALWAYS Take Your Children with you if you are victim of abuse when leaving the home for an overnight (if you ever get so lucky to be able to think of doing so and have a place to go and 'permission' from the other person.

Otherwise, you may be deemed 'abandoning your children' so at the least have a signed statement, witnessed, about when you are leaving and the terms of agreement that someone (even the other party) is watching the children.

Ideally if that is not part of one's routine of there is an option, it would be ideal to have a trusted friend (yes, ideally a woman without a partner in the home, sorry just trying to make it very clear that allegations can fly in many directions especially if a person, typically a woman, is being abused, so best not to open up more avenues of destruction.

These are the kinds of insights that may prove valuable yet are not given as legal advice, safety planning that will necessarily be effective or ideal given one's circumstances.

Generally the victim is the most tuned into what she is living with and what her options are.

But sometimes the options can close down as though a number of doors closing just as she nears them or she finds they are locked.

That's where more New Windows of Opportunity need to be installed.

See a post on this blog "New Windows Of Opportunity" about a large project happening at some co-op buildings which will create more natual needs and ways for neighbors to work together whether in the same building or on the same floor.

Since the project involves moving large items to clear a six foot space to install the new window from the inside, almost everyone could use physical help with moving and cleaning or taking down drapes and shades.

Then someone needs to be in the apartment whenthe work is being done. That can involve social considerations if some people are working, elderly, have children, someone ill or handicapped in the home and so on. More planning for short-term or last minute help would mean having a few more team members in each building (of about 100 apartments each and over ten of those, so make that 1000 apartments. Just Thinking About such things can get the wheels spinning.

Who can a person call and figure things out with on many levels, What if 'something comes up' (as it Often Does) The window analogy can be used for all relationships and work and school settings to help everyone think about Safety Plans, Exit Strategies, Knowing When to Walk Away from someone talking or doing something one does not like rather than tell them to , "Please  Stop."

If they continue, you can repeat that request and say, I've asked you to stop talking to me, I will leave if you cannot. Clarify whether you would listen to them for any response for 1-2 minutes of if you need to have absolutely no comment or only Stop. Ideally don't raise your voice, intimidate with one's physical presence or proximity when saying these things.

People should always be aware of their 'exit options' from a room, a social situation (using the bathroom or getting a drink of water or some fresh air are all reasonable breaks even if in a meeting or group setting to 'reset an awareness that everyone has a right to be involved or not to whatever degree they want.) Having a supportive friend or more informed advocate is helpful in any setting as well. Taking time to phone, text or email someone is another option. Recording conversations is a helpful way to track patterns and points made by each person as well.

If someone is not intending to be rude but one needs to disengage simply saying, "I need to take a break now," and get up and use the bathroom or get some water may work. You can also say, "I would rather not talk anymore." Then up and out. When the time is right a note or other short indication to the person that certain time limits or topics need to be respected otherwise you will disengage may be needed or helpful.

However one person does not have the right to say "You cannot say that in my home, or my car, etc." You may ask or tell the person to leave (even I need you to leave my home or car at this time...) Hope you are not on the highway, etc, but ideally you would have boundaries set up in advance. Directing and controlling others is no longer okay based on the location of the events. Human rights over property rights is what domestic abuse laws are tuning into.

The person who is a victim (or a tenant in many cases) has rights that are backed by laws. People who own property or are leasing or otherwise letting people live in their home (with them or a separate property) need to clarify the terms and have an agreement, ideally in writing so everyone is clear. See more about this topic on Housing Us, at The Berkshire Taconic Foundation in MA. It is very important to screen tenants in legal ways.

I am not trained or an expert in those areas and all of these posts are explorations of what I would want to consider in such situations. Even sharing that standard (of a disclaimer) is something I am doing intentionally to cover more bases along those lines. 

So here is another aspect of safety that I wrote on a facebook page of Marshall Miles who runs the smallest NPR (national public radio )station in the country in Sharon CT. Many topics are dealt with in a very candid manner on catv6.com that occur in many small towns, many which don't have quite the amount of wealthy resources to keep such boats afloat (private schools, lovely terrain and good roads and public schools, places for the elderly to get medical care and senior living if need be and much more...though the populations of the small towns in the MA/NY CT tri-corner area are aging and declining in numbers..so the age of the people is going up while the number of people is going down.

That's about the only elevator in the area other than at the hospital and maybe a private school (okay maybe some of the public ones too and a stray building here or there.)

So with the ups and downs of life, I will share the Original motivation for this post..about an hour ago before I started typing... and it's on #suicideawareness and ideally prevention. See other sites and youtube talks if you are ready to learn more. Knowledge may be the key to helping someone (yes, even oneself) not go down into a sudden spiral of despair (over very harsh news such as the passing of one's teen as our family experienced in June 2009 out of the blue.

More on that on Remembering Kaelan post and many comments. His FB Memorial Page also recounts what's gone on for me and many events I've attended to help mark the years in a way of learning more about healing, helping, preventing harm on many levels and having hope for a brighter future (even after our mortal lives end) and given the times in which we live. So vote with the climate of our politics but also of our earth in mind..and please Do Not Despair (that may be the hope of those running the show.)