"How old would our teen son Kaelan have been this year (on Jan 6th, 2016..)?" a question not easy to answer,but the basic "23 years old, and he passed when he was 16 in 2009, trying to save a friend..."

Safety Lessons and Insights from a Teen Tragedy is another title I'm adding after going off on important tangents..many of these pieces, write themselves and I have no time to edit now. Remembering Kaelan and Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy and Comments have other parts of the story of Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton.

One of the many unforseen things a parent or other person thinking of a loved one or someone who has passed is figuring out 'how old they would be now..." whether when a birth date anniversary comes up or if some want to note (whether mourn or celebrate or do some of each) or other time after the fact of a person no longer walking the earth in mortal form.

This is something that does not need to make headlines and hardly is easy to bring up even to oneself but with others as well. I used to think it would be good to have a special emblem to wear to indicate one has just been hit by a Mack truck kind of life experience...not necessarily one draped in black with mourning as the only appropriate response, but more of a 'please handle with TLC--tender loving care and yes, attention and real follow through with questions like 'how's it going?'

When people say 'she wears her heart on her sleeve' (or he does, they do etc) that may mean they are Way Too Honest and Open about Personal Stuff in this day and age, for modern times when news is shared in sound bytes and yesterday's news is history and no longer worthy of discussion or deep consideration.

Everybody has hard times and everybody has people they loved or cared about who d-i-e-d, so don't dwell on depressing stuff, just get back in the slow lane at least and pick up the pace in public. Save the caring and sharing for p-r-i-v-a-t-e. How hard could that be to catch onto? This is America, the land of the free not to listen and theoreticall of the free to bare it all (well review the basic principles of freedom of speech and likely stick to journaling in terms of not being sued for liable or other violations that can be put in place in various civil courts of law such as custody and divorce cases. The world is changing and not always for the better.

Likely for what keeps the money flowing to keep business as usual going and thus allows communities to 'stay afloat'. Again, signage could be put along Main Street  America (and no offense to the Main Street Magazine out of Millerton NY which seeks to imbue the positive and does a great job for the most part) yet how can we reconcile the income disparity and the many fields the breed conflict by keeping people in the dark about some serious problems from drug epidemics (both prescription and street drugs like heroin) to social ills of domestic abuse (also known in many advocacy circles as male violence against women and children, including pregnant women and infants.)

I met a judge who said many judges do not acknowledge sexual assault of children happens so when cases come up (which about 30 did for the judge in the past) the newer judges cannot begin to be effective in their assessments. A widespread understanding that many judges across the country are not educated in timely and effective ways to make sure they are well-versed in best practices to handle serious custody disputes and again, crimes against women and children. A chasm not unlike the plunge hole which claimed the life of our teen son Kaelan Paton in June of 2009 exists between the Criminal Court and the Civil Court approaches to domestic abuse of women and children. Sadly abuse of mothers goes hand in hand with endangering children.

The abusers often know when they are 'crossing the line' and a community response (such as in the book by the Duluth Model out of Minnesota implores every state to begin implementing in cross disciplines and which the Sandy Hook Tragedy in CT in 2012 also helped focus a school connection to screening people for violence, again with an obvious need to track concerns about domestic abuse whether stemming from men or siblings in a student's life or even in a neighborhood near a school.) These kinds of proactive preventive strategies could have identified many students who have suffered in past decades from abuse of all kinds at home, from neglect, social and sadly physical and sexual assault by 'family or friends', often the perpetrators who may in themselves have been victims but who likely did not have a clear set of boundaries and legal mandates explained to them from any agency. A lot happens After one breaks the law or After one causes harm or the death of another, but even then that stems only from lawsuits.

There is a huge gap in caring responses even from church, social service, school and civil groups to voluntarily understand, research and assess more appropriate responses to conflict, loss, change and harm, injury or fatalies in a community. There are endless possiblities which most people have been trained early in life to IGNORE, for their own good and that of others.

The conundrum plays out that if certain facts (or allegations) come to light, someone may be arrested, prosecuted and put in jail or sued for a large sum of money, lose their job and reputation and pay for the rest of their life in various social circles. The endless repercussions of someone violating the law are profound as is the idea of karma in terms of whatever one does to another may be done to them (or even others they care about such as friends or their children.) In some countries this may be deemed 'street justice' and prisons and gangs likely keep track more than most in these ways, likely making errors along the way and often retaliating in more severe measures.

The way our son died, trying to rescue another teen from raging water against great odds, is something that could get most of the country thinking about profound matters in terms of supervising youth and minors, holding all parents and adults accountable to have a basic national plan for safety and permission not only from other parents (yes, both and particularly mothers) but local schools and towns who could advise on appropriate places, people and activities to be involved with whether going on bikes, by foot, in cars or motor scooters or motorcycles, pick-up trucks, snowmobiles, quads or other vehicles..even planes, trains, boats and other gizmos. Who is Deciding What is Reasonable not only 'legal'?

Who is making it clear a person should not go alone or with others without knowing what a parent's rules and the community guidelines are? Why not empower more adults to ask a few questions or let a school or other local volunteer adult (such as a recreation director or scout leader) know if there is a problem brewing and think of ways to intervene at least by letting parents know? In the case of our son, a group of teens were blocking the road with their bikes, riding in the middle of a quiet road, bothering at least one driver who normally would have spoken sternly to them after they finally let him by. Many students were concerned about the plans they were sharing to go jump near a dangerous waterfall in a fast flowing river.

To their credit, some students tried to talk them out of going. One student made it clear to a friend that he was not to even Think about doing it! (Many points for that insight which some adults also tried to make clear to other parents, including me prior to this even but not knowing of this episode in the works. No parent alerted the school however, or the police which should be a given.

After taking courses with police about this,I know both firefighters and police could help design alternative warning systems and have better input from community leaders as well as signage for the No  Swimming Areas posted.  Police should seek statements from all kids and parents involved from now on as well, just to allow for clear information and if there were concerning behaviors for due process but that's not my singular hope. Likely it would help all parties appreciate the legal risks in addition to the physical ones that command respect and act as a deterrent.

No kids thought to tell a teacher or call their own mom or relative who happened to be a police officer until after the tragedy unfolded. But at least some people started thinking and telling a few friends to think twice about doing dangerous things, especially there.

I wrote and wondered for years about what could have made the difference in our son's last few horrendous moments after saving two other youth from the river, to help him hold back from going into such a 'suicidal mission' as some have aptly dubbed it. Strangely and miraculously, a rope rescuer was able to get to the scene in time to save the teen who had also gone under the water but had resurfaced after Kaelan had swum out to him.

Maybe if that rescuer had blown his horn and let off a flare, Kaelan would have had time to realize help was imminent. I like to play out that seen in my mind and feel his great relief even when seeing the rescuer pull off a miraculous save by putting a loop of rope around the youth and even after getting knocked away, swinging back to him and manage to secure him in a hold as they were lifted up even while the water pounded endlessly on them from the falls.

Much of that was recounted in the local Lakeville Journal newspaper in the weeks that followed the loss which shook our community and gave many people cause to wonder '"how could this happen in such a small friendly town?" The teen who was saved was safe and sound, and spoke to me a couple days later thankfully which brought some sense of closure to my own questions about the details.

I recounted more of my response at the time in Remembering Kaelan, and overall a  new twist in my journey which encompassed many months and years of exploring aspects of my faith and living in this time and in our small town communities as well as finding more support from towns such as Torrington (and many plays and programs at The Warner Theatre, domestic violence awareness groups such as www.barrygoldstein.net,  and  Great Barrington (the Co-op friends, those from Crystal Essense, from church groups, from social circles that promote caring and advocacy and efforts such as NAMI, 12-step programs and anyone trying to shed light on the struggles that we find ourselves or share as members of a family, area or cause).

 Giving myself to learn about societal groups that discuss grieving or bereavement, going to counseling to have support for many years before and after the struggles I have faced and to be a support for many as well have all helped shape who I am and what I can offer others. In my Roger Ludlowe High School, the halls of block were places for reflective quotes in large letters.

One that I can envision now with giant candles but do not know if they were there, was "There are those who curse the darkness, and there are those who light candles." I had Kaelan's Cub Scout group sing a song of Sharon CT which I wrote and included the idea being 'Candle lighters one and all'. They enjoyed a spooky folk tale I told them with the lights off at night and a flashlight as a mock campfire (since we were indoors) about a couple of kids escaping the clutches of a mean old lady who was out to get them. They used 3 kernels of corn and could wish for something to help them which turned out to be a ladder to get down from an attic room, a tree to climb and a bridge to cross a rive the tree fell to once the woman chopped it down. Working together and calling for their dogs, "Barney McKay, Doodly-doo and Sue-Boy" they were half way across the bridge, but the mean old woman was closing in on them. The dogs who were released when their mother saw some milk turn as red as blood, got their in the nick of time to defend them and the old woman fell into the dark swirling waters below. Kaelan could tell this story with great affect when he was three. When he passed in such a manner, it brought the story to mind and I prayed that he was okay in the next mysterious realm. We were all humbled to know he died a hero. Sending you so much love now and always, Kaelan and other family heavenside, including his maternal grandparents and his paternal grandpa Sandy.

I need to close out for now, but will add more later.. Happy 23rd birthday, Sweet Kaelan