Lighting Candles of Love, Mercy, Forgiveness, Faith and Healing...for US All

When hearing of people passing without warning, or even when anticipated, we can naturally feel like we are in a void. 'What now?!" can be a question in the back of our mind and knocking around in our heart. How can I make sense of my life or of what happened..someone's passing in our circles whether close or a bit farther out can be very disconcerting.

How to 'rebalance' and remember our grounding values and find others to relate our experiences to and see how they are faring? Sometimes it helps to focus on breathing and take time to be outside, sitting, standing or walking a short distance, looking up and and around at nature and others if one is in a city environment. It can feel one is in a movie...and not a good one but one that needs to be acknowledged on many levels.

The day our teen son passed in June 2009, I said before knowing that had happened in the afternoon, that 'I feel I am making a movie of my life' twice. Then when I heard the news (which I explore more on a post called Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton) I Really felt I was in a crazy kind of movie...and not a good one by a long stretch...just an impossible nightmare there was no waking up from....

So when I heard the level of a tragic loss of five people..well, it hit home for a bit...very crazy to have to comprehend. But near where I live in the MA/NY CT tri-corner area, so heard from people who'd seen and heard parts of what transpired in terms of a housefire but also at least two intentional taking of lives... so there is was. I want to encourage people to consider viewing a bit of our late teen son Kaelan's memorial service on youtube.com..which is short clips..and see the many people gathered about a month after his drowning when saving a few young teen friends.

His was the only life lost that day, yet others perished in similar ways of water fataliies even in different parts of that river over the next few years. I went to some of their services as well as those dying from other causes, mostly drugs. I mainly had been to a young person's service if they died of car accident or maybe an illness.

There's no simple way of passing 'before one's time' and when there's a taking of someone's life..that definitely feels out of the greater order of things. So I will share my reflections here and hope that the focus can shift to the care for the spirits of those who crossed over to be at peace and to feel loved and supported in their transtion, primarily the victims and even as may be possible, the troubled soul causing the loss...to seek healing from divine guides to comprehend being too attached to a material reality in human form.

There are many thoughts about the 'one and the many', about one life or event reflecting part of a society, about the times in which we live as being some of the best and worst of times... not just from the days of Dickens when poverty was at a high in olden days in England.

I heard some very sad news earlier in the day, that happened here in America in March of 2019, to one set of people related to one another--two by a long-term relationship and biological parents of the same children, and the three children ages 7 and under related to one another as loving siblings and biologically as far as I know at this time...)

I want to give the family some peace and respect, so this post is about the hope we can all dig deep and pray for healing on all levels. The adult male and legal spouse of the adult female ended the lives of said 'legal spouse' and their biological children.

Since the adults were in a relationship since their high school years and had successful careers, likely there were good times overall, Maybe there were no 'warning signs' she could have picked up or known would create a downward spiral.

More investigation is ongoing, and whether substances or other factors were part of the the 'murder-suicide' is not clear, but all five people in that 'defined family' are now in spirit. I am trying to clarify for myself and others as it may be helpful that the actions of one person, the adult male in this situation, voided and nullified the title of respectable, decent, caring husband or father.

Those terms indicate a promise of care and support over time, even if a time of separation is needed to address mental health or abuse or substance issues, and perhaps only supervised time together afterward if the adult and child victims need time to heal which understandably and logically would be the case for a year or two.

Many experts recommend a longtime separation to allow real healing and only supervised visiting time if the person is showing signs of 'real change' and provisions in competent places can be made. It's hard to not imagine she may have indicated needing some time apart for some reason (and asking him to leave for instance if not a more serious talk of separation since that often is a reason a man will go to such extremes.)

I  once heard of a situation where a man 'calmly' took the news his longterm wife wanted to separate once their two daughters had finished high school. A month later he calmly came home and killed her using a gun. He was a drinker, but mainly a mellow one.

That was in the southern part of the country a number of years ago. One of his daughters would not speak to him until he was near the end of his life from an illness. She decided she would do so without hatred and was pursuing other ways to promote healing after tragedies. Programs such as AVP, Alternatives to Violence Programs, are offered in many prisions and even community-based programs to help prevent short-circuit thinking and taking 'final steps' to end temporary problems whether harming another or oneself or both.

The Lionheart Foundation offers a set of program materials (DVDs, Videos and Workbooks) to promote awareness of emotions, social actions and other choices to explore responses to life's challenges and interactions with others. The Option Institute in Sheffield MA is also home to a host of programs and helpful books such as To Love It To Be Happy With by Barry Kaufman (and that has many examples of how people might be able to think through their thoughts, feelings, beliefs and have support in inquiring about the process and again choices they have made or might make in response to a situation or interaction. 

I happened to find a couple of puzzles I wanted to donate to a certain young friend's school. I actually followed through with calling her teacher and dropping them off within a day. That basically hardly happens. Yet I was able to take pictures of some of the artwork in the main hall way about 'Love' done by young children and I will quote some now.

There were also some about "Love In Literature" and one started with Love is... A missing father (and that caught my eye so I then saw it was under the theme of literature...) I mentioned it to a Dad and he was surprised about how a missing father related to 'love'...and I explained it is part of some stories the kids may read. Of course, there are many Dads missing in action in terms of not in a child's life and some who have died from illness or even suicide, generally drug-related.

Even 2nd graders might know such details about people in their neighborhood or area. Many children haven't met their father and some don't see their mother much either, if at all. A play called Breakwater explores that theme of a young adult woman not having known her biological father...and the possibilities seem to be a few ranging from somoene high in government to a businessman to a regular fellow.

Back when Moms could decide without any need for the father to know and even if there is a danger in letting him know in her opinion, a woman had 'full decision-making power' for life. Now with "Father's Rights" groups, that is far from a given

. Not that there shouldn't be some consideration, but unless a father is truly amicable and ideally supportive of the mother even if not economically able to contribute, there needs to be a playing field In Favor of The Mother.

The Battered Mothers Custody Conference (BMCC) has been making this point for almost 15 years, with many experts from every field collaborating to bring not only America important insights but the world at large to consider abuse a crime and a human rights issue that every woman and child could have protection from since by and large that is how the numbers play out.

If a woman is mentally compromised or using substances that is often a result of current or former abuse and distorted thinking about her limitations, what she has been allowed to explore. Ideally there would be a way to have supervised housing and care for her children and for any victim of abuse, male or female, young or old.

There is a ton of work that needs to be done in that field. Donating to the BMCC or helping a mother or advocate get to the conference is money well invested in our collective understanding and advocacy. The US Resolution 72 in the Cpngress has passed in the House and  needs to pass in the Senate to provide the legal footing to help a victim of even alleged abuse get to Safety with legal protections.

Likely many if not all should be in a kind of 'witness or rather a victim protection program.' Instead sadly, all 'competent leaders' seem at best sincerely confused and incapable of apologizing or making meaningful amends to victims of abuse even with transcripts of legal cases and signs that 'the abuse continued even after separation' not only to the adult female but also by association to her children.

They may remain estranged from her, confused, self-harming, acting out, mimicking or supporting the abuser or horrendously abused more directly and violated physically and/or sexually. The statistics are a national disgrace, and yet that often drives the media and most people in the mainstream into a deeper level of dissociation, denial and grateful 'it's not happening directly to them.'

The many forms of healing are beyond what one could access in the Yellow Pages or online with 211.info or 311 for social services in NYC for instance. The judges and the Chief Judge in a state only need to 'take into consideration' the critique of neglience, incompetence and wrongdoing and shortcomings in their laws or other procedures that guarantee a protective mother will be separated from her children, whether she discloses the abuse or not (but ironically especially if she Does do so during custody hearings.)

See information from CA Protective Parents Association and Lundy Bancroft and Barry Goldstein (The Quincy Solution). Attorney Goldstein advocates for early intervention in abuse with criminal charges and consequences. Sadly he promoted strategies in Dutchess County NY which were not heeded.

Likely some of those murder-suicides could have been prevented, so clearly that will need to be part of the bigger discussion that happens with this latest case which will likely make headlines and really should to help more people wake up and be clear about what they can control and work towards healing on all levels.

As they say 'violence begets violence' and hatred can often be the seed of violence. Without knowing much more about the biological father at this time, my guess is he was a seriously hurting puppy, very off his game mentally and emotionally even if he was a 'high-functioning individual.' Maybe he was using substances...and if was pain med for an injury and he had some kind of escalating addiction that is another serious concern...

Drugs can definitely factor into someone acting violently toward themselves or others, or both as was this case. In terms of abuse, mental instability may be a factor in about 25% of the cases. I actually feel it's much higher, maybe 100% to some degree unstable at times or simmering below what the manual would diagnose.

Plus as we age hormonal imbalances are basically a given for both men and women... but We Don't Talk About that Either, especially for men who go through andropause...I wonder if they can check the ol' hormone levels...and again back track and see if he was reporting any symptoms (or his spouse or family and friends noticing he was off his game, whatever was his normal...)

Just so sad because we can't bring that family back, particularly the Mom and Kids... but even the Dad to get him to a safe place and help him think more calmly and clearly about what was bothering him about his past, his present or future situation. Life can seem so real and serious...yet we all know the concept of winning money (the lottery or a casino..or a friend helping out with a loan or support such as housing or something...) A Mom had been begging me for money to fix her car for a few days.

I told her I didn't have all that she wanted but would try to give her something... and to ask others for smaller amounts of 20-50 dollars. Then she could work that off by doing errands and so on while she cared for her little one. Every town could print up what the basic costs of housing, car repairs and basic budgets are to manage then help fundraise for those 'on the brink' with short-term loans and projects to pay them off (and yes, jobs and so on but may as well think through the cost of childcare and who is really a good match for each family situation, etc.)

Plenty of folks shy away from daycare fearing they'll get reported and have their kids held from them, which can happen in our modern world, whether the kids are not wearing seatbelts or report being hit or yelled at even (well, threats are to be taken seriously and even yelling is a concern, so again worth educating parents and others on how to do some basic parenting with support, routines and not being a bully to others, whether their kids or others.

Well, in the course of thinking about this one Mom's car costs, I happened to find a card of another kind soul who mentioned he might be able to help people. I shared the jist of a few situations and asked if he might have ideas.

All of this was yesterday. He went into a lengthy thoughtful time of sharing about his life journey and even the idea of being very supportive of building community and responding to basic needs people had. The more he talked, the more I wanted to focus on what he was saying...and I went from being in a noisy hallway to resting quietly with my eyes closed.

Half the time I thought I was dreaming or hearing a voice from 'another realm.' Well he finally had to wrap things up but gave me plenty to hold in my heart quietly. When I heard the difficult news today, I called him again and asked that he do something prayerfully for the community, and he said he would do so shortly after our call.

That helped me a lot. I talked the situation over with another person and encouraged them to take a day off with his kids and do something special to make a memory of care and connection rather than leave them to figure things out that they might hear locally about the tragedy.

So on it goes. I wanted to mention that the school and puzzle pieces were the one where the children of this tragedy attended...so to have been in the school days before this unfolded seemed to me a kind of 'angelic guiding' to warn me of the challenges any family could face.

That day a group of youngsters was going to use the gym and it seemed a special gift to see a new set of kids setting off on their learning journey, knowing the students often do quite well with a lot of nurturing and opportunities to play music, do sports, perform in plays (even some Shakespeare) and connect with their communities in meaningful ways through country events and agricultural programs.

Sadly one of the graduates of the high school passed in the flight in Ethiopia recently, as she was heading to a country to help with health care programs. The ideas from Rudolf Steiner and Edgar Cayce indicate there could be much to consider beyond what our mainstream media allows...things like the spirit continues on for three days after the body dies mortally...and to think kindly and lovingly of the beings as they transition. The mortal man doing the killing likely had a troubled spirit.

In ways he really is a victim too of whatever possessed him to take such severe final actions, whether anticipated or of a more sudden nature. As the woman who had become involved with him, we won't know fully what the ups and downs were and why she was with him if there had been signs (or threats or promises) that things were off kilter.

But the possibility that there are many lifetimes for each soul to live and learn about being human and to explore options to 'do better' are ones we can ponder as each day dawns. Who we are is not a constant on all fronts...and to know we can Always Walk Away or Not Say Something, Protect Our Personal and Social Space could help de-activate many a conflict or ongoing matter.

The more distance the better often times for people who are in troubling situations, yet often more support is needed to wade through the difficult times or to pull apart the threads of meanness, confusion or layers of challenges and imblance. I will wrap this up now and hope that more people can find ways to meditate with a caring heart on how these kinds of tragedies unfold and affect far more than the immediate victims and their families.

There literally is work to do to comprehend what we can, to feel, to heal and to deal with the next chapters and ripples of what comes into our hearts and informs our minds. We shall overcome, someday, the mystery and mayhem...and we likely need much love from aboe and help from others... all our sisters and brothers...peace