Remembering Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton

Only  minutes from both MA/NY, CT (think MANY CONNECTicut) had it's own '9-11" in the Northwest Corner in Falls Village at the Falls of the Housatonic River on June 16th, 2009...a place that defined the area mainly as a scenic wonder of 'the secret corner' yet became a place of danger and tragic loss when the fury of the river claimed teen Kaelan Paton's life yet spared  two of  his friends with his help before he had gone on to  try against great odds to rescue a third that fateful summer afternoon....

 

The HoUSAtonic River was running fast and furiously most of June 2009 due 
to heavy rains. The thundering sound of the Great Falls could be heard 
throughout our village, and up on Dublin Road where I grew up and my 
family still lived.

 

The warm summer morning of Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 
was a most unusual different time of my life. In the past five years, I 
had dealt with dozens of unknowns about how my life would go having lost 
both parents, a brother and another close relative as well as a man who 
I had cared for 'going missing'.

 

A divorce action in 2006 ended six 
months later, with a one year reprieve before my husband started it up 
again in the fall of 2007. That dragged on for two years with little 
respite for me, and little time with our four children, ages 10 to 20 in 
2009, who were the center of my world as a stay-at-home mother.

But with the divorce finalized on June 15th, 2009, I knew my life would 
be different in ways I did not know how to prepare for. It was the first 
day I woke up knowing I was legally divorced. My kids knew this too, and 
I had spoken to them the night before saying things would be different 
now.

 

I could see them more since school was letting out. They would have 
all summer to enjoy time with family who would be up to visit from the 
South and to see their friends.

 

My sisters had almost planned to have 
them all go to Florida to ease the notion of our lengthy divorce finally 
being over and 'legal' on Monday, June 15th, 2009.

 

That would have been a miracle had that worked out and could be a heads up to more people

to craft clear safety plans for their kids during times of transition

and challenges with appropriate adult oversight.

The day of our divorce  had been one 
I had hoped to delay (and had done for months at a time with hope to have good counsel and

mediation and time to see what would really be fair and workable to all in our families).

 

By June2009,  we were 'so close to agreeing on a decent 
parenting plan', but that was not to be. I had to give in on many 
'terms' as far as I was concerned to a divorce I had not wanted but 
which resulted in me not seeing our wonderful three younger children for 
two full years other than on rare occassion.

The reasons for this were illusive, confusing and unjust in my mind and 
to many who had helped me understand 'the systems' I was facing. But 
that I would learn later in life, was a norm many parents, especially 
mothers who were being 'fired' or not approved of by the father whether 
out of the blue or on a regular basis.

 

For far too many nice Dads, 
trouble brews too, so I was learning

there was much improvement needed for many.
Yet for a few hours on the morning of Tuesday, the 16th of June, I thought 
life would get better for all of our family which had grown

from our dating years when I was still at Vassar in the mid 1980s through the first decade of 2000.

 

Our kids were not clear what difference it would make.

Sadly, our son Kaelan was sure in the months and days prior to the divorce,  he would 
not see me again. He  meant he would not make time to do so. He was not 
thinking the younger girls would want to see me either, but I told him 
to just think about enjoying the summer. He was planning to work hard 6 
days a week to earn money.

 

I often heard 'that's how teens talk to any parent' and maybe more so when a boy is

breaking away from his primary bond with his mother (and which may similarly play out between teen girls and their dads)

when I spoke of the kind of alienating stance Kaelan held towards me. 

 

Other parents, school staff, counselors,

ministers, attorneys and friends and even our GAL (guadian ad litem, who sadly passed from an illness a few years later

leaving her blended family of children which seemed another strange coincidence of loss

and having to face we cannot always plan for our lives to go as we wish. Isent her encouraging

messages as I could and realize we likely could ponder more of the meaning that dawns on us

as the passage of years allows. I like to think she and Kaelan can confer and help us

now from their heavenly vantage point as some theories offer is a possibility.

 

I had no idea what I should do when I woke up 
in the home I grew up in on Dublin Road where I was staying. I decided I 
could go to a speaking club in Great Barrington since someone offered to 
drive me there and then to drumming in Salisbury, with time to be home 
from 2 to 5ish.

I felt like I could be open to just enjoying a day of 'down time' and 
showed my friend Rick some shops on Railroad Street before the meeting. 
I met a Vassar friend named Emily who I had danced with. She looked 
great and I met her husband and kids who were with her. I joked with 
Rick that it was like making a movie of 'This is Your Life".

 

We went to 
the Berkshire Co-op where I had also said jokingly to Rick it felt we 
were making a movie because he was being so funny and I told him "that's 
not my norm" since I'd had such a serious time of life to weather.
But the Co-op was a place I had enjoyed as well as a place to get to 
know new people who had helped me heal from much of the difficulty of 
the changes I was facing as a new mother out on my own and mired in 
legal matters over the past few years.

 

People there had talked to me for 
hours, said I should read books, take acting and public speaking, go to 
the Option Institute which deals with challenges with a dialogue process 
and helps people learn about the austism spectrum (including 
Asperger's). I had found numerous supports in Great Barrington, 
including our midwives who let me stay with them while I took a CNA 
training for free at a nursing home.

 

I took programs on relaxing and 
dreaming a positive connection with nature and teachings from around the 
world at Crystal Essence and Kripalu.
I had gone to a Toastmasters speaking club regularly so felt I would be 
among friends on that 'first day of the rest of my life as a 
newly-divorced mother, even though I had not wanted the divorce, I had 
to agree to it, which I did with 'grave prejudice.'

 

During Table Topics 
a friend ask that we speak about helping something grow, a plant or 
such. Even though I also got a great deal from my Garden Club , I 
focused on the Turtle Garden I had made in our yard in Falls Village CT.

Just outside the old brick home my father built grows a  10-foot wide, 

circular garden with "legs' and an opening for the head and 
tail made of logs in the ground.  The summer  a few years back when 

I had some teen boys help dig the 
ground initially.

 

At the same time another youth happened to have an 
accident at the top of the road. He was going too fast, and hit a  telephone pole 
which came down across his car, but he was okay. Near missed call from heaven, lucky lad 9who I can recount now is doing well after other struggles young adults too often get mixed up in  and who had also done his share of  jumping and risky things as a teen). 

This strange link of  events of starting a garden on the day a youth almost got 'struck by lightning..

or the telephone pole as the case happened to be played out as a foreshadowing

of events of what was happening to our son getting trapped

in whitewater around 2 to 3pm that day as I gave the talk.

 

I said I had plans to get more youth interested in helping with projects 
around home and in the community.If I had been able to tune and relax perhaps

I would have thought to call and check on my kids immediately upon getting home, to find out their plans

from my mother-in-law who I was always able to speak with thankfully

even during the years of the divorce and even for the following 5 plus years since.

 

 But that sunny Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 afternooon, I got home by 2pm so my friend could get his car fixed.

I was still facing many  unknowns about how my life would go,

but the morning had been wonderful.

Back at the brick house on Dublin Road, I walked outside near the red maple in the front yard.  

I felt I should be somewhere or check on something but could not think of anything.

 

I wrongly assumed all three of our children were still in school until 

about 3pm not realizing it was the last day, and thus a half-day of 
school. I walked down the road and happened to see a small boy raising 
his hand in the front door from below a panel so all I saw was his small 
hand.

 

In a moment, he rose up and I saw his smiling face. He and his 
sitter came out and we walked up to the Turtle Garden.
The connection of seeing children grow like healthy plants in a 
garden was one I had explored since my own children helped with such a 
playful circle daffodil garden when they were young at a nature center.

 

Now I was able to share with wider circles and had learned

about traditions from far and wide through both

permaculture which promoted community projects and 
gatherings, teamwork and helping each other in practical ways from 
childcare to building houses and community.

 

I borrowed my brother's car shortly after 3pm to use the computer down at the library in 
town to check my e-mail. The librarian got a call that sounded 
concerning but I did not hear any details. She later apologized for not 
thinking to tell me just in case it involved my family.

 

Still, I have reflected now that the library is a helpful community center and was a 
place Kaelan and all of our kids had special connections and good times 
in their early formative years.

 

Some of the friends from each town he 
knew had roots in gatherings in such small places. It all added up to 
part of his life and our shared experience, and serves at times as a 
helpful reminder along with so many other local landmarks, friendly 
people and even challenging ones, that he existed as part of our family 
and towns in meaningful ways.

Life still seemed full of promise. by 5:30 or so when I went off to 
drumming with my friend Rick again, choosing to go first to get him 
coffee up by Route 7 by the South Canaan Meeting House, which sadly was 
also near the place our major unsolved town tragedy of Peter Reilly's 
mother being killed was so I consider it a 'be careful corner of town'. 
Still, this was a new, better day with our drumming friends gathering 
over in Salisbury, and soon I would enjoy the rhythms that made the use 
of words or even feelings not so pressing.

 

I could get lost in the 
music. We decided to down toward Falls Village since we had time to go a 
few extra minutes. Instead of going down the high school road which I 
assumed he would take, Rick chose to go down by the Iron Bridge. It had 
been raining a lot, and the river was dangerously high and moving very 
fast with whitewater that made it look like an rough sea.

 

Right away, I noticed an NBC News Van near the bridge. Again I said "Now 
I really feel we might be making a movie of my life!" As we got closer 
to the van, I immediately I wondered aloud why they were there and said 
we should stop and find out.

 

Rick quickly dismissed my concerns and 
said, "Oh they are probably here to get some footage of the river." I 
said I needed him to stop in case there was a problem. He slowed down as 
he went over the bridge. I saw a friend who takes care of children and 
called out to her, "What's going on?"

 

She looked very concerned and 
said, "A kid from Sharon is lost in the river." I told Rick to stop, and 
he hesitated. When I heard "kid' and 'from Sharon", I told him, 'That's 
my kid! Let me out!" I got him to walk with me a short distance to where 
the power plant driveway went down near the river...

 

This is where and 
when my life changed completely forever in a way that came to me, as it 
did to my son and everyone else 'without warning'. I saw Kaelan's dad, standing across from  the powerhouse

on the dirt drive of the Amesville side of the river which he'd done hundreds of times when boating or coaching others...

but this was completely different. David was there in the midst of others with the wild river rushing on relentlessly. 

Everyone was preoccupied..but with what exactly, no one seemed to be in danger right there.

 

I was anxious to find out what happened. I had not seen David since the day before in Litchfield CT where we had met in private chambers

  in the court house with our attorneys and an older male judge who finalized our divorce

proceedings with me crying a bit to relieve the sense of pressure in my mind and the tears that just welled up along with a

feeling of heaviness in my heart and accepting there was no other way

to delay or sort out the terms of the divorce I had never wanted after two years and many times in court and in conflict.
 

He seemed calm as did 
others walking about, so at first I felt relieved, thinking he had 
things figured out. Some mistake, some situation that still needed some 
attention, but I had to ask.

 

He just started to shake his head slowly 
side to side as if to say, and I heard the message in my head and heart 
'there's no hope..he's gone'.

 

He came closer and I asked him to please 
not talk about the divorce just then and to please hug me, and help me 
sit down. I knew from the time a friend died in college suddenly that I 
could feel very weak in the knees. I did not want to have to think about 
anything.

I saw a friend who had gotten out of the military and had lost friends. 
I asked, "What do I do?" He just shrugged with a sad shake of his head.

 

I saw another friend who had 
lost a good boater friend in whitewater on the other side of the world.

I later learned he had a terminal illness and has since passed with a dozen or

more boaters paying him tribute from over the years. 

He died on almost the same day a few years later after braving many treatments.

But that day, when  
I saw them standing there I knew my challenge to accept 'the worst 
thing ever' was now for real and just beginning.

 

Slowly I learned that 
on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 around 2 or 3 pm in the afternoon our 
healthy vibrant teen son died by drowning in the Housatonic River.For so 
much of our community, our lives changed unexpectedly and tragically as 
the reality unfolded and rescue efforts turned into a recovery mission. 

 

Our courageous Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton,an amazingly talented, 
capable young man was no longer alive with us on the earth. I wanted to 
be able to accept everything that was happening as part of God's plan 
for all of us, even for Kaelan, but basically "how could that be?"

 

I needed to keep breathing and not thinking too much of the reality. 
Thankfully no one was saying the unthinkable, that Kaelan was gone or 
dead..I appreciate everyone's ability and thoughtfulness along those 
lines even today, on Jan 6th, 2014 which would have been Kaelan's 21st 
birthday.

 

I was newly exploring through readings and programs that we 
don't necessarily die in terms of 'not existing at all'.
Readings from www.edgarcayce.org and www.thewordfoundation.org explain 
the concepts much more.

 

But back then, it was mostly 'faith from over 
the years, of trusting that the laws of the universe and the miracle of 
life had to go through times of such change, which we call death, but 
that is not the end of the story.

 

"Trust in God" was something I was 
telling myself and hearing from many groups I was part of, so I figured, 
what choice do I have? Still, my breathing and body were not really 
ready to deal with this so suddenly.

 

Some friends I know from town, one 
of whom I had sat next to at the Kellogg School graduation the night 
before, were there with the ambulance, and took me over to Sharon 
Hospital. After an hour or so of just calmly trying to process and pray, 
a couple of family members came by and took me back to the river edge to 
check on things briefly.

 

Then we went up by the Falls with another 
friend, near the fence and I tossed a rock over it sending Kaelan and 
myself a symbol of the love we were feeling, with prayers in the name of 
God I had learned from songs and verses..The memory of being there in 
the moonlight on my first date with David came to mind. I recalled the 
power of the Falls back then, and wondered if there were any way to have 
known this kind of scary accident were going to unfold.

 

I knew Dave had boated extensively for years and that there were risks in our area, especially at the river, but I 
thought everyone was taking care to stay safe if being near the river.

His high risk maneuver of going over a drop about 20' above the falls when it wasa not running to fast was concerning me.

Particularly I did not want Kaelan or others under 18 or without more parental permission to try such a move which was seeming like a possible option.

 

I had wanted to put termsabout river safety and other high risk activities in our parenting plan, and even promote a wider community standard,

but did not succeed and was met with claims I was trying to delay the divorce 'for any reason'.

I wanted to clarify that the terms of the 'legal agreement' would carry more weight than my requests

 

In the aftermath of facing the tragedy, what happened" and Why me and our family after all we had been through? 

I learned much later many people thought I would despair to the point of 
suicide, with plenty saying 'they wouldn't be able to survive so much 
loss and difficulty'. I also learned of many who had done just that 
whether facing abuse, unwanted divorce, unfair custody during or after a 
divorce, loss of a job or someone they were caring for to wandering, 
illness, unexpected death.

 

But back to 'that day in June in 2009..."
Little by little, I learned that he had headed to the Housatonic River 
in Falls Village (technically on the Salisbury, Amesville side just up 
from the Iron Bridge at the base of Dublin Rd and River Road) with a 
group of his friends on bicycles after their last day of high school 
freshman ended around 12:30pm.

 

The teens may have gone to Toymakers Cafe that day or in the previous week, 
which is a friendly spot in the quiet town center to have a bite to eat. 
Kaelan, being a vegetarian, likely had some meatless sandwich (mistyped 
here first as sandwish--oh how I wish for wishes to come true that none 
of this happened!) or soup or sweet.

 

Only days earlier, he had stopped 
by to see a longtime family friend who works in the center of town. He 
gave her a hug which meant a lot to her, particularly in hindsight of 
what came to pass only days later...Kaelan may have told her as he did 
many friends, "You're beautiful!"

 

(Now I ask folks to think of that as a 

way to live: Be You to Full, or to Live Fully (and thus the name for 
this blog is so inspired with the describing word or suggestion:livfully.)
I think that showed his sense of a kind of love for life and those he 
could care about openly that bubbled up in him since he was very young. 
We can appreciate that he did save two friends before losing his life 
when trying to save another on June 16,2009.

 

Thankfully his teen friend, a fella 'going for it' in terms of jumping for the first time ever and from about 30' 

was saved by an amazing  rescuer  Skip Kosciusko, so no other lives were lost that most difficult of 
days...for many to be part of in terms of search and rescue, friends, 
family and community members nearby as well as the ripple effect of 
those being moved by the crisis far away and on the news and internet.

Many have said Kaelan was a kind-hearted person. I had seen that for 
years as he was home (although that generally meant me and the kids 
being out and about town and with other family and friends and his 
sisters since he homeschooled until he was almost 8, with a half-day 
kindergarten year at age 5 and 3/4 with a January 6th, 1993 birthday. 

The story of his cherubic birth, just after midnight on the 12th day of 
Christmas (and almost getting named Gabriel which actually corresponds 
with his Birth Angels from Terah Cox information in a book from her 
www.heavenandearth.com site I just realized, linked with part of the 
Kabbalistic Tree of Life Yesod (foundation with the Archangel Gabriel).

The angel of 1/6 is Jabamiah (Alchemy or Transformation), that also 
corresponds with the birthdates of 3/6-10 (and his Dad's is 3/10 and 
they were both born just after midnight which has them sharing Vehuhiah, 
for will and new beginnings on the Kether (Crown of the Tree with the 
Archangel Metatron) and four others including 8/14 which is my mother 
Mary's real birthdate. I found that out 'by chance on that date two 
years after she died'.

 

Since I tended to misplace things, I got a copy 
of my birth certificate and thought to get one of my Mom's since they 
are housed wherever that person was born. I was born at Charlotte 
Hungerford, and I have to check, but my Mom may have been born there too 
or at home since a midwife verified the date.

 

But back to Kaelan, the idea that 'all of his life was planned or agreed 
to by him as options before he came into the physical realm helps take 
the sting out of what happened, somewhat. I feel there is much to ponder 
and it's okay to go over it many times, which I for one have many times 
in the past four years and likely will continue to do for various 
reasons.

 

This is not to stay stuck in the past or to hold his life in a 
higher place than others who have died either in my extended family and 
friends circle or in the area or world at large, but rather to inform me 
so I can appreciate every person's passing more deeply in a context not 
only from birth, through life to death, but before and after that time 
we are so trained to focus on.

Likely, I'll need to revisit this post soon, But overall, what came to 
pass, is covered in part in other posts such as The White Buffalo Calf 
naming entry (Yellow Medicine Dancing Boy) and reflections on When the 
Worst Happens, Again! In brief, since I need to get sleep for work early 
Sunday...is that Kaelan jumped into the river near the Falls twice. A 
friend heard that and decided to 'go for it'.

 

Kaelan may have been 
saying the current was too strong, but the falls were too loud to hear.
I had warned Kaelan since he was about 14 when he wanted to pursue 
kayaking like his father David, to realize this was a 'water rescue 
sport'. There would be times he could need help or need to give it, but 
he had to have enough training, which he said he would take and I 
assumed his father was giving him for the most part, to know how to be 
an effective team member if rescuing someone.

 

I had also said the 
reality we had seen over the twenty plus years of being part of the 
sport was that not everyone Could be saved...so to use extra caution and 
always be with the right kind of competent people I thought he 
understood what I was saying.

 

I stressed that I would never want his friends thinking it was okay to 
go to the river without a smart plan and support people, because if 
anything happened to them in part because Kaelan had set a poor example 
I would feel responsible and of course, horrible that we had set a poor 
example as a family.

 

I had been at enough events for whitewater 
competitions that I knew there were risks beyond my control, so my 
overall tactic was to encourage Dave to go boating without trying to 
involve the kids.

 

Unfortunately, that was not easy to do once they got 
to be older, and yet, for the most part, other adults seemed to be 
around and since he taught programs to youth, I assumed our children 
were getting a good set of boundaries for what was appropriate.

The problem on June 16th, 2009 was likely the semantics of 'going to the 
river to check it out and maybe swim' versus 'going boating'. Indeed, 
Kaelan had been there only a few days prior with much of his family 
visiting from California on his paternal grandfather's side.

 

They saw him jumping in a spot and one local person mentioned to him he should 
never do that without adult supervision. He said he wouldn't so perhaps 
he did not really plan to go in that day, and decided to try it rather 
spontaneously.

Most adults likely did not know the dangers of high water(the 
undercurrents or even powerful downstream currents) or realize the 
location the group was going to. No one informed me in any way that was 
an option particularly at that time of year

 

. I did not realize school 
was ending that day and that Kaelan had ridden his bike there again. I 
expressed concern about that practice even though I had heard of it a 
week or so prior, of him going from Cornwall to Falls Village on a dirt 
road, about 7 miles to go to the Housatonic Valley Regional High School to take

tests when the schedule had changed to partial days.

Sometimes the schedule changed for test dates so I found the situation 
confusing and thought it was a one-time thing. I have friends who have 
chastised me for not knowing precisely what he was up to, but given the 
divorce dynamics over the two years leading up to that day, and the 
divorce the day before, that was typical, with few ways to really know 
what was going on in many ways with our children.

 

That is something that 
needs an immediate overhaul since too often parents can lose track of 
their children due to one parent taking over and not sharing information 
in a timely, appropriate manner.

Overall, some assumed the kids would use 'common sense' even though 
there were no adults, no life vests, and really no safe spot to go in 
the river that was very high, fast and furious with whitewater that day. 
I put these points in now to help more people realize 'you cannot assume 
other people, adults or kids, will be Able to use common sense at the 
same time and in the same ways.

 

Ideally, a national site would go over 
these points and people could reference the kind of supervision and 
tactics used in outdoor educationa programs, scouts and locally with 
guidelines from authorities including rescue personnel.

The kids at the Falls the day Kaelan ended up trying to save a friend 
also had not made a clear plan to consult with Kaelan about where and 
how to jump and particularly critical in this situation, to plan the 
safe exit pathway and even some 'what if emergencies occur plans like 
have a cell phone, life vests--thost could have been a huge deal-breaker 
I like to think, and throw ropes.

Ideally, parents and community leaders and rescue workers would not have 
approved of the trip (which to the credit of a few some Did Object 
including this mother from when Kaelan wanted to venture into a sport 
his dad avidly pursued--I had said promise you'll take rescue training 
and not go without your Dad or another good adult and make sure they're 
really watching you..and know you can't always save or be saved 
necessarily so need to really know what do do--this is a water rescue 
sport).

Others such as students and at least one parent who realized the danger 
of the plan could have told school or rescue people including the 
police, and yes, my sister at the Town Hall or me who is rather local 
and around the area about the risky situation Before it happened.

 

I had asked parents not to allow such outings without at least two competent 
adults, such as Kaelan's dad and another dad since the area and the 
stunts sometimes were very risky that the adults were doing. I did not 
want kids 'trying something later on their own or thinking it would be 
okay to go alone for boating or really even swimming, without an adult'.

The dozen divorce court and other sessions I had gone to for over two 
years explained that parents were responsible for their kids. The court 
and other parent would make an effort to hold the parents or others 'in 
contempt of court' if they allowed neglect, abuse, substance abuse or 
other problems that could harm or cause a child's death.

 

After many 
times in court and hearing an array of situations, I felt concerned 
about the river and other risky adventures and had hoped to get 
something in writing in our required parenting plan, but I was mocked by 
professsionals who were convinced that I was trying to delay a divorce I 
had always said I did not want. I had hoped to live apart and see what 
we could work out before making formal plans.

 

While I had been pressured 
to move out, against my better judgment and 'automatic orders' which 
were supposed to protect a parent staying in the marital home whether 
rented, owned or otherwise, I was out within a 6 weeks of my husband filing.

Even in 2014, I'm still seeking ideas to resolve this kind of lack of 
co-parenting dilemma for myself and others), with many small matters not 
being discussed reasonably since we had been 'married' or at least 
living together for almost 20 years, with four children.

 

At what point could I get appropriate credit for the care I had given the children, now 
ages 8 to 18 some credit for homebirthing, nursing for 2 plus years each 
(never drinking or drugging, etc)and homeschooling most until 6-8 years 
of age?

 

 That was considered 'null and vold' or no longer of importance (since I 
agreed under pressure with only minutes left to the court session--NEVER 
agree under pressure, especially to leave your house without your kids!! 
is advice I've heard yet did not follow!

Suddenly, I had to face 
that I would not be seeing my children much at all, even though court 
papers said 'reasonable and flexible sceduling'.

 

The people who were monitoring the situation (the GAL) did not ensure I saw my children and that's another tragic line of this tale, much of which simply cannot be shared but which someday should be reviewed thoroughly to prevent such a pattern from separating a caring mother from her children. International Law provides for the Best Practices around the world of keeping children Safe and Together with their Mother whether in war, climate change or other stress to favor the best outcome for the children's immediate and long-term safety and well-being.

 

These were things I did not know then and only mention here since everyday it's the cutting-edge pressing ethical and practical issue more people need to address for our communities to keep women and children safe in as many ways as possible.

 

I have learned this is 'typical' for a mother in my position.I did not see my children much at 
all, and Kaelan very rarely since he was 14 or even younger since he was 
busy with friends and sports. What's strange yet helpful for me is that 
basic math shows I did almost 20 years of being the main parent, so if 
my former husband did 10, that would be Half of what I had already done!

That could be a basic 'measuring stick' and ideally both parents could 
hear clearly that custody should be shared and not a contest to have 
that be best for the kids so long as both are 'safe, sober and 
appropriate' when with the kids.

 

Of course, if there is abuse of the 
mother, that IS a form of child abuse and impacts the kids in profound 
ways for years, making them feel they have no real options but to side 
with the bully...(plain English explanation but written in books.)
I could not really get a clear grasp of what custody meant, the options 
and what they would really mean.

 

Frankly, I still am confused about it 
all in terms of what really could have made difference or what could 
help even now. I weomce ideas such as a "Friends of Cath" support group. 
There are many parents, women and men, who could benefit from help 
whether together, apart, single from the start or otherwise becoming 
challenged with a change in health, wealth, housing, jobs, childcare or 
other caregiveing needs, recovery from drugs and/or abuse (and yes, both 
the users or perpetrators And the Victims And the Kids and family need 
help!)
There should be ongoing Custody/ Parenting Plan and Parenting Issues 
Centers at every school or other public place for all parents and adults 
caring for children to be well-informed of appropriate options for care, 
developmental markers and behavior management --not punishment and 
discipline in terms of harming kids self-esteem, person or neglecting 
them which is still rather common!)
Kaelan, whose about my height and looked like me with his brown hair and 
eyes and slender build (okay that was me at his age at least) gave me a 
quick hug on my mid-May birthday, but really was not feeling he would 
want to see me much as the divorce went through the day before he 
drowned trying to save a friend who really couldn't be saved by a 
swimmer like himself or anyone necessarily going in from shore. Rather, 
his friend, who went under briefly when Kaelan touched him, did get 
rescued by a rope rescue from 80' above.

The number of responders in the hours and days following the sudden 
final loss of Kaelan was tremendous. Many rescue workers were put in 
harm's way as well, and great caution had to be used for trying to 
recover Kaelan's body. He surfaced finally a week later, 7 miles down 
river-- a mile for every day missing and for every decade he would never 
live.

 

His grandfather Dale Palmer, Sr lived to be almost 85. His grandmother Mary Palmer, Sr  had 12 children with her husband and was close to all of our children.

She lived to be almost 83. Both maternal grandparents predeceased Kaelan by 2 and 5 years, respectively.

His great grandfather Reuben Swenson (Caroline Paton's father) 
lived to be 96 and his grandfather Sandy lived to be 80, dying only 40 
days after Kaelan after a life of music but also of smoking for 50 
years, thankfully quitting to buy him better health 10 years prior. 
Sandy's father Hubert lived to be 100..

. Likely, Kaelan would have had a good run of a life well-lived. Rudolf 
Steiner offers the idea that a person passing in good health early in 
life can 'share some of his life energy' with those he was close too...I 
feel that is a possibility and once bought a bike I saw, had it tuned up 
and was riding it an hour later..A thought I'd had for years transpired 
in a couple of hours and when I got on the bike I wondered if that was 
maybe Kaelan sayin, "Let's get going already!"

 

I often run a 'victory 
lap or a mark the day or event with a lap around the front lawn at Housy 
( which I used to run around on Track practice days as a freshman at 
HVRHS, my only year there before going onto Wilbur Cross and Educational 
Center for the Arts in New Haven, then Roger Ludlowe in Fairfield and 
Vassar before coming home to start a family of my own...in a place I 
thought of as safe and secure.)

 

The reality is Kaelan's mortal life ended in a tragic way, and way too 
soon according to our human understanding.

 

The separation for me during 
the divorce actions (yes, there were two, with a one-year reprieve in 
between) from all of our children, particularly those still at home, was 
very heartbreaking for me and nothing anyone had warned me about Nice 
trusting, religious or otherwise culturally-dependent people (especially 
those not working for pay or outside of the home much Really Need a 
Major Outreach and Education about these matters, as do many elderly who 
are trapped in difficult decades-old unhealthy patterns).

 

Dozens of women have shared their challenges along these lines, and I've learned of the huge pattern, like a giant undertow in our systems that allows for ongoing abuse of women and children. Some men have shared their difficulties as well, so clearly we need more attention to these critical times of life.

Really no one should let days turn into years that 'don't add up, don't 
feel right' and are not healthy and rewarding. As difficult as it is to 
share now, it was a bewildering experience to realize that I would still 
not be able to really share the loss and pain I had felt for the few 
years prior to Kaelan's passing not only to inform people but to warn 
them that it could happen to them. I had very mixed feelings about 
things, not wanting the divorce to be public, yet feeling even the night 
of being interviewed by a newsman that the connection should be made..It 
was too important to sweep under the rug, and maybe someone would do an 
effective outreach and intervention for our family...something that 
still would be helpful since the holding pattern of separation has 
continued beyond what I can comprehend or begin to effectively address.
The last place we should have to go is the courts, and ideally, everyone 
would take time to check their own safety and well-being and connection 
with their children and others important to them, beginning with the 
Bonus Materials on www.shouldIstayorshouldIgo.net to see if they are a 
bully to themselves, others or were so in the past.

 

This could be the new wave of heroes, people finding a way to

look in the mirror and Want to Know if they are being a bully or

unbalanced due to mental health, behavior or personality issues (see The Enneagram),
drugs, immaturity (a technical term Lundy Bancroft offers on his site 
with his name..www.lundybancroft.com a true hero for our times along 
with many others.)

 

People should help people, and particularly victims 
or disenfranchised people such as single moms, or otherwise stressed 
people, who need and with some coaxing will recieve help and who can in 
time, 'pay it forward'.
The less compassion people have for what I lived through, the more 
likely it could be that they will get their own 'lesson closer to home' 
, not unlike people ignoring signs of bigotry, prejudice and excluding 
and harming the Jews prior to and during the Holocaust.

 

I saw the film The Roundup (La Rafle) to mark the 70 th year since that French travesty 
of putting Jews on trains from France to go to concentration camps. We 
are still in denial.

 

Now I have gone to national conferences called BMCC 
(Batterered Mothers Custody Conference) and have heard horror stories of 
women whose children are being badly violated and harmed (including 
sexually) by their fathers.

Protective mothers lose custody if the children or they speak of that 
during a custody hearing. The day of Independence in France is July 
14th--an the horrible Holocaust action was taken at that time, delayed 
for a day due to the holiday (a small yet meaningful last day of normal 
life for 25K Jews, about many thousands of whom were rounded up and kept 
in a stadium for days before being shipped off to concentration camps). 

Let US-All take care that we are not re-enacting the dynamics of such 
travesty, and take care what 'trains' of thought, schooling, belief, law 
and citizenship we get or put others on.

 

We must want to reflect on 
these matters..or 'pay the price of our ignornace and lack of 
accountability to seek 'best practices' with skilled help (not 
necessarily 'professionals'!)

 

This kind of travesty is well-documented in books by Barry Goldstein and 
others. I feel the kinds of horrors 60K mothers and children face each 
year and have for 40 years, is only going to get worse until more young 
women PLAN to protect themselves and their children with clear pre-nups 
regarding having sole custody and the fathers supervised if there are 
concerns about abuse, stability and other factors.

 

It's rather crazy, 
but until these bugs get worked out and more people consider no one can 
really know which men are prone to act atrociously, then perhaps legal 
marriages should wait a good ten years in terms of putting it on record.
Other written agreements, even without marriage, should come into play, 
and more men who are decent could I help lead the way, explaining 
statistically Why this is Necessary. In the meantime, all decent men 
(and women) should willingly see the abuse screenings on Lundy 
Bancroft's site www.shouldIstayorshouldIgo.net Everyone should try to 
have a few days or weeks off during the year from relationships and 
caregiving to self-screen for stress, safety, substances, mental health, 
finances, and many other basics.

 

Likely, we could detect more health and 
safety issues early on and be more successful in solving those.
So why cover all this when Remembering Kaelan..well, IF parents had 
honored my clear requests (on at least 2 occassions) to NOT let the kids 
go to the river alone, and to really watch them in terms of having them 
do safe, appropriate things With Adult Supervision from Responsible, 
Sober Adults, the ten plus teens would not likely have been set free to 
get into harm's way..IF people in the court had honored my concerns 
appropriately over the course of two years and many times in court, I 
would have seen my children more.

IF they had someone explain divorce and custody in practical terms, such 
as in the SandCastle's Program they could have had help in transitioning 
in not seeing me every day as they had their entire lives, but realizing 
and trusting they could be happy and safe (without having to choose or 
side with one parent exclusively). This is a common problem no one is 
discussing. Many fathers give up on their families, and many moms do too.
I mentioned these concerns about not seeing my son or other children to 
the newsman that covered Kaelan's passing, and that the divorce was the 
day before.

 

At first I did not want it mentioned and hoped there would 
be a way to reconcile on some level in terms of modifying our 
arrangements to respect what our family had suffered. Over time, I saw 
there was no interest for that, and it is still a strained situation. 

 

Even during the divorce I had almost been broadsided so felt we should 
really pay attention and live with respect to make sure we each saw the 
children. Now, many experts I've read and spoken with would have advised 
that I have our children exclusively to adhere to 'best practices' in 
cases where I had already been the primary caregiver and had sought to 
make a safe, stable environment.

 

Unfortunately, the community needs to 
realize that is the new standard of care for all women in a difficult 
situation like ours, yet most leaders and even lawmakers have not taken 
time to study the issue.

The overall point is to let other families really take in the number of 
losses suffered not only by me (or any other mother separated from her 
children in this kind of dynamic), but all of my family which also did 
not have much access to my children, and my friends as well, whether at 
church or other social functions. I had taken my children to many 
wonderful events and introduced them to great people, many of whom 
became their friends.

 

This happens to 60 K mothers each year if they 
raise concerns for safety in their family. Some men unfortunately also 
suffer such loss, but far too often, the cases are due to justified 
concerns. All men need to want to learn about appropriate boundaries, 
self-control, and not abusing others.

All parents need to seek this education out as well as how to be sober 
and safe if those are issues. Safety would include agreeing to monitor 
those in their care closely and with agreements that comply with the 
town and other parents' requests. If more parents don't Want to live 
through what I did, they need to get Pro-Active Today not only for 
themselves, but for their family, friends and community at large.

 

I offer everyone forgiveness and ask it as well for harm done whether 
through negligence, lack of insight or information, time, money or 
concern...the point is to find ways to heal individually and collectively.
Some people are unable or unwilling to consider their wrongdoing or 
neglect, even the courts and others are 'overwhelmed and unaware' of the 
harm they do 'in the name of the law'. Soon, more vocal advocates, along 
with many protective parent (mothers and fathers, as well as other 
custodial guardians and caring family and friends) will spell things out 
in plain English--no sugar-coating or placating..just the facts, most of 
which that I've shared here are on public record (along with Much more) 
of the hearings where a number of judges made inappropriate decisions.

IF they could consider learning from our tragedy, maybe others would be 
prevented. That is my greatest hope, and more people would have to want 
to help educate said judges, ideally setting up websites and panels to 
ease their load, get some Facts, and pursue Best Practices for All 
Children, not only those whose parents are in divorce or custody court. 
Find out a lot more on www.domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com and 
www.civicresearchinstitute.com (Representing the Domestic Violence 
Survivor).

Likely, every state will have it's own dogfight, with many choosing a 
default of 'joint custody' and those in abusive situations having to 
fight tooth and nail to get their concerns factored into having sole 
custody (maybe with supervised visitaion for the parent who is trying to 
sever the natural ties and affection between the protective mom (or dad 
if that's really the case) and their children.

 

Every school could work 
with town recreation and social work programs to provide health 
parent-child times at least weekly (one day for moms and another for 
dads please) to educate and encourage healthy socialization..
Thanks for considering this in the spirit it is written, to Save the 
Next Many Thousand Children and Moms as well as women in general from 
predictable harm and sadly even abuse and death!

 

Not speaking out 
clearly really is not an effective strategy and I hope everybuddy can 
find someone to talk to confidentially such as at www.rainn.org or other 
www.211.org sites or ask a question here and I'll try to give an 
answer...change names as needed and use IF this happened. then what 
would make sense...I'll answer in kind with IF, then here are some 
things I would try which should keep us safe from legal hassles...
For the record, I wrote extensive comments to the head judge of CT 
hoping to help with court reform.

 

I have only heard that most family 
court judges are Not Interested in Best Practices to keep kids safer, 
rather they think they know enough. There may be corruption among 
counselors promoting more connection with fathers, regardless of abuse 
concerns. I learned that from Safe Kids International from CA about CT 
problems. The list is overwhelming and basically can make any normal 
person feel 'it's futile'.

Rather than commend protective parents for not giving up, most folks 
will send them packing. No one wants to discuss things logically or 
provide the Economic underpinning to assist parents in caring for their 
children. Why not let parents live at the schools if they can't afford 
housing, say a certain number at every school?

 

I know it sounds weird, 
but there could be roll-out mats and so on, meals provided and more, all 
with people not having to travel to and from school. Parents could even 
assist during some school days (likely they couldn't keep up with what 
we ask of students!) Ideally formal education could begin around age 6, 
but before that allowing youth a lot of time to play creatively and 
outdoors, be active with simple food preparation and other tasks of 
daily living, hearing stories and songs, enjoying the seasons with 
simple celebrations and going about their community on field trips or 
with family would be plenty (according to Rudolf Steiner and many 
homeschoolers like the Moores).

The new success will look like turning back the hands of time to simpler 
days, conserving energy (mabye a 4-day school or work week) and more 
programs on weekends and in the summer. Why not try to make new 
solutions with the technology and social realties more people are 
facing? Look at the whole picture and not just a bad day or a sad 
family's situation.

 

The greater message is one of teamwork and higher 
expectations for each person to be accountable for themselves and others 
that follow basic care PLANS (People Living and Learning by Agreements 
and Networking through Schools and Society). Every child, teen, parent 
and adult matters, a lot so why not encourage everybody to be a buddy 
and to lend a hand while still on land? A flyer I made with Kaelan's 
photo (which I can maybe find a way to post, says also:
"We reach out a hand while still on land to keep out of dAnger of all 
kinds, to give voice to choice for respect, health and help for all 
basic needs, to help heal from past hurts and live with compassion and 
well-being."

 

That could be a new kind of meaning pledge of allegiance to 
our common good, ourselves and each other to show our care and 
willingness to share and to prevent losses of many kinds.
Let's make this June and every month with a new moon a time of hope, 
peace, joy and well-being...and love (that's safe, respectful, rational 
and appropriate--not necessarily living with someone or interacting with 
them if that is not feasible, yet holding a space for that in our hearts 
and minds as www.drsha.com and most religions and healing efforts 
promote.)

 

Ciao now, and lots of love to those in need of healing, just 
everybuddy and those who are part of the rainbow of love streaming from 
above this mortal plane.  ( This article repeats and I haven't figured out how to edit it so it doesn't,

so please pardon the reprints..and have a sparkling day and life,

remembering all who have journeyed on...Thanks)